Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone.[a] 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. 6 Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. 7 Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. 8 Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem[b] on your forehead, 9 and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
AN INVITATION TO BE TRANSFORMED
The next step in the process of coaching cHaNGe, navigate, moves congregational mission, vision, and values into congregational goals. Goals that focus on the aBcs (atten- dance, buildings, and cash) are not God’s primary goals. rather, they are the fruits of living faithfully, allowing God’s light to shine through us. The Great commission chal- lenges us as christians to “go . . . and make disciples.” Jesus in the Sermon on the mount reminds us of the importance of practicing and passing on our faith every day, every- where. The reason for setting goals is to make a difference for the glory of God in the short period we’re on this earth.
Setting goals is like giving every driver a map.
During a break at a session retreat, a very goal-oriented pastor expressed his frustration with what he perceived as my leisurely pace in helping his leaders establish goals for the next ten years. We took a brief walk outside, and i reminded him that the goals set in the past were his goals and were never owned or acted upon by the elders. i reminded him that many of the elders perceived the goal-setting process as a sham and weren’t interested in setting goals that would never be discussed again and most likely never be achieved. i stated that my intention was to find a new way forward in setting goals that were connected to the congregation’s mission, embraced by its leadership, and could be realistically achieved. my final comment to him before the break ended was, “Help me understand why it’s so important to set goals when they’re never reviewed and rarely achieved?”
When the retreat ended, that congregation’s elders did have a list of specific goals, but it wasn’t a ten-year plan. after spending time in prayer and Scripture and spending time revisiting the congregation’s mission, values, strengths, and weaknesses, leaders created a narrative or storyboard that described what their ministry might look like in five years. This led to a laundry list of possible goals that went through three rounds of prioritizing before their top three goals surfaced. in small groups, the leaders spent time identifying strategies for fulfilling each main goal and then placed the action items in the order they’d be addressed. our final exercise was to assign a point person to each action item, along with a due date for completion, to ensure accountability.
When i think about that retreat experience, and what the congregation achieved that following year, i come away with five significant learnings:
1 | After reviewing the mission, values, and data gathered, the elders put on prayer shawls and spent time in silent and corporate prayer, and took time to pray after each decision that they made. prayer matters! Spending time creating the narrative or storyboard of their
2. preferred future helped leaders visualize the change, mobilized them to action, and spawned individual ownership of the collective goals. vision matters! The lead pastor was willing to let go of past behaviors and assumptions
3.and embrace a new way of exercising leadership. leadership matters!
4. The big picture vision may have energized the leaders, but it was clarity and specificity about the next steps and who was responsible that moved ministry forward. next steps matter!
5. The plan became a living document; it was constantly reviewed and updated. it didn’t suffer the same fate of most strategic plans, which once created are then stored in a congregation’s library, not to be referred to again until five years later. flexibility matters!
Mapping the Route to Your Destination
as a former youth worker i quickly learned that trying to caravan —drive a group of kids using several different vehicles—to the same location was a futile exercise. i’d lose two cars at a stop sign. many times i thought the group was following me only to find out it was some stranger’s car that looked like the car that was supposed to be follow- ing me. as i became older and wiser, i started giving every driver a map to the final destination and the phone number of that location. Setting goals is like giving every driver a map—we need to be very clear about the final outcome and very flexible as to how everyone gets there.
Here are ten tips that i found to be particularly helpful to both individual leaders and congregational teams in achieving congregational goals:
1. Make a firm decision. Before setting any goal, ask those involved, “on a scale
of one to ten (ten = very!), how committed am i to achieving this goal?” if the collective answer is not an eight or higher, seriously reconsider if you should be listing it as a goal.
2. Get priorities in order. unexpected things always show up in our lives that cause us to reshuffle our plans. Plan ahead by determining “which balls to drop” if necessary. make sure you create sufficient margins in your life so that every slight delay or interruption doesn’t result in deferring one or more of your goals. congregations have a tendency to keep adding programs and ministries without eliminating anything. This is a recipe for burnout and mediocrity. Leaders are responsible for making decisions, which involves “killing off” programs and ministries in order to say yes to the most important things. We can’t have our cake and eat it too if we’re going to do our best work on building the kingdom.
3. Write down the goals and keep them handy. List your goals somewhere that you’ll see them on a daily basis. i keep my goals on my iPhone and usually review
them when i’m waiting in line or at a stoplight or when i have a few moments
of downtime. a leadership team in Texas hands out church business cards to team members at the end of their meetings and has members write down the monthly team goals on the back of the card. Team members are encouraged to carry the goals with them everywhere, review the goals daily, pray for those in charge of each goal, and consider how they can support the goals that are listed. The reverend ron Qualley, lead pastor at Lord of Life Lutheran church, in fairfax, Virginia, keeps his personal and professional goals in his wallet and looks at them several times a day. i’ve been amazed at how much he accomplishes in a given year, and i attribute much of this success to his staying focused on his goals.
4. Determine how you’ll categorize goals. You may wish to categorize your goals
79
Surface to Soul
by project, by geography, or by leadership teams. i categorize my goals chronologically. i have a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, annual, and “someday” goals. my “someday” list includes goals and ideas that i don’t want to forget about, yet i also have no intention of acting upon them for at least a year.
5. Revisit your goals on a monthly basis. Think about them. are they realistic goals ? are you spreading yourself too thin ? did you set goals just for the sake of it or for the wrong reasons? Have situations changed that would deem certain goals no longer a priority? for leadership teams that meet monthly, i recommend that you list your goals as part of your meeting agendas to ensure that they are discussed every time you gather.
6. Identify your next steps. every goal should have a next step with a deadline. i suggest that individuals review next steps at least weekly, and that congregations review their next steps on a monthly basis.
7. Track your progress. make sure your life and ministry are going in the right direction by tracking your progress daily. i list my progress on goals using an online journal, and i find it energizing to see the goals i set for the year being realized. Tracking the progress being made on goals should be part of every meeting agenda for all congregational leadership teams. if deadlines are being missed or projects are delayed, then there needs to be conversation about how to get back on track.
8. Involve others. consider using an outside coach to accelerate your efforts. Talk to others who have gone down the same path you’re exploring and learn from their experiences. invite others to pray for you and your ministries.
9. Use Wiki-Boards or Google Docs for shared goals. i’m a fan of shared Google docs where team members can view and edit various ministry plans and projects. it’s a great way to encourage accountability, where team members describe their progress on particular projects or goals. Have participants bookmark the web page to facilitate easy access to the site.
10. Take time to consider who else you might support: don’t get so wrapped up in your own goals that you forget how you might support the goals of other lay leaders. a church staff i used to be part of had a ritual of praying for each team member’s monthly, quarterly, and annual goals. These goals were posted on
the walls of the conference room where they met each week. as part of their closing prayer, they took two minutes of silence to pray for each other and the goals they had posted on the conference room walls. The pastor commented that this weekly ritual was a simple yet profound reminder that “we’re all on the same team and have a common goal of building God’s kingdom.” He ended by stating, “Just as it’s hard to pray for those we don’t know, it’s hard to collaborate with each other if we don’t know each other’s goals.”
80
Navigate: Step 4 in Coaching Change
Setting SMART Annual Goals
To frame conversation about setting annual goals for a congregation, i usually ask leaders, “in light of your mission, core values, and strategic plan, what do you hope that you will be celebrating a year from now?” after gathering everyone’s feedback and then spending time prioritizing and combining the goals that have been listed, we begin by addressing just one major goal at a time, walking through the SmarT goal-setting process:
S make sure the stated goal is specific, addressing the six W questions: Who? What? Where? When? Which? Why?
M The goal must be measurable or it’s not a goal. if you can’t determine whether or not the goal has been accomplished, then it’s not measurable.
A The goal must build in accountability. assign a specific individual to take ownership for fulfilling the goal. most accountability problems within congregations are due to not assigning a person to be responsible for the goal.
R The goal must be realistic. don’t sabotage your efforts by setting the bar too high. it’s simply demotivating when leaders consistently fail to reach their goals due to unrealistic expectations.
T The goal must be timely. in my experience if you don’t set time deadlines for your actions, you simply don’t achieve your goals.
once you’ve completed the SmarT goal-setting process for that one goal, the next step is to break down your goal into minigoals that can be accomplished within the next ninety days. after you’ve completed this step, leaders will then spend time breaking down the ninety-day goals into thirty-day tasks. after all the goals, minigoals, and tasks have been listed, i suggest reordering the list of goals and tasks so that items with the earliest due dates are listed first. Please note that your annual SmarT goal document is a working document that needs to be reviewed and updated monthly, with new thirty- day goals being added to the list. a portion of one congregation’s annual SmarT goals is listed below to give you an idea of what a list might look like:
Annual Goal: Enhance Our Congregation’s Welcoming Presence to Visitors
30: create an undercover greeter job description (Ken)
30: Schedule extravagant hospitality training dates (Kari)
30: recruit a trainer to facilitate the hospitality training (Kari)
81
Surface to Soul
30: create a draft of hospitality training objectives and methodologies (mark) 30: assemble a website review team (Steve)
90: complete website audit report to council with recommendations (Steve) 90: Present final draft of hospitality training plans to council (mark)
90: Train staff and council members in undercover greeting methods (Ken)
360: Launch updated website that is user-friendly for visitors (Steve)
360: Train 90 percent of hospitality team members in extravagant hospitality skills (Kari) 360: equip paid and elected leaders to be undercover greeters (Ken)
as you coach leaders in your congregation, you may wish to encourage teams to begin by using Tool 25, “monthly Progress report,” to highlight the progress they’re making on their goals and the next steps they are taking in the coming month.
Final Thoughts on Goal Setting
Here are some final thoughts about navigating step 4 of the cHaNGe process. Break thirty-day tasks into bite-sized pieces. encourage individuals responsible for
thirty-day tasks to schedule daily and weekly action steps that will help them reach their goals in a timely manner. remind people that we can’t do a project—we can only do the next action. encourage meeting conveners to contact leaders throughout the month to see how they’re coming with their projects. if you don’t know what to do on a daily basis to achieve your goal, then it’s not a goal—it’s a fantasy!
Aim for good, not perfect. Sometimes we set the standards unreasonably high, which prevents us from even wanting to start. Balance your desire for perfection with the need to get things done. does it really have to be perfect to create value?
Remind people of the why. The why behind what we do is what keeps people moti- vated. The why should relate to how lives are being changed as a result of tasks we are working on. it will be easier to sustain momentum for a goal or task if the transformative reason behind it is readily apparent.
Refuse to procrastinate. don’t put off until tomorrow the things that you can do today. Start something today that matters. Procrastination only leads to regret. When i lose steam on my projects, i often read these words attributed to mark Twain for encourage- ment: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover.”
82
Navigate: Step 4 in Coaching Change
••• QUESTIONS TO PONDER
1. does your congregation have a history of setting goals? a history of achieving them?
2. if your congregation sets goals, do most people in the congregation know what they are?
3. do you have a good process for assigning and tracking goals to ensure they are accomplished?
4. are goals and actions steps regularly discussed at staff meetings? Leadership meetings?
5. What might your congregation do differently as a result of reading this chapter?
Setting goals is like giving every driver a map.
During a break at a session retreat, a very goal-oriented pastor expressed his frustration with what he perceived as my leisurely pace in helping his leaders establish goals for the next ten years. We took a brief walk outside, and i reminded him that the goals set in the past were his goals and were never owned or acted upon by the elders. i reminded him that many of the elders perceived the goal-setting process as a sham and weren’t interested in setting goals that would never be discussed again and most likely never be achieved. i stated that my intention was to find a new way forward in setting goals that were connected to the congregation’s mission, embraced by its leadership, and could be realistically achieved. my final comment to him before the break ended was, “Help me understand why it’s so important to set goals when they’re never reviewed and rarely achieved?”
When the retreat ended, that congregation’s elders did have a list of specific goals, but it wasn’t a ten-year plan. after spending time in prayer and Scripture and spending time revisiting the congregation’s mission, values, strengths, and weaknesses, leaders created a narrative or storyboard that described what their ministry might look like in five years. This led to a laundry list of possible goals that went through three rounds of prioritizing before their top three goals surfaced. in small groups, the leaders spent time identifying strategies for fulfilling each main goal and then placed the action items in the order they’d be addressed. our final exercise was to assign a point person to each action item, along with a due date for completion, to ensure accountability.
When i think about that retreat experience, and what the congregation achieved that following year, i come away with five significant learnings:
1 | After reviewing the mission, values, and data gathered, the elders put on prayer shawls and spent time in silent and corporate prayer, and took time to pray after each decision that they made. prayer matters! Spending time creating the narrative or storyboard of their
2. preferred future helped leaders visualize the change, mobilized them to action, and spawned individual ownership of the collective goals. vision matters! The lead pastor was willing to let go of past behaviors and assumptions
3.and embrace a new way of exercising leadership. leadership matters!
4. The big picture vision may have energized the leaders, but it was clarity and specificity about the next steps and who was responsible that moved ministry forward. next steps matter!
5. The plan became a living document; it was constantly reviewed and updated. it didn’t suffer the same fate of most strategic plans, which once created are then stored in a congregation’s library, not to be referred to again until five years later. flexibility matters!
Mapping the Route to Your Destination
as a former youth worker i quickly learned that trying to caravan —drive a group of kids using several different vehicles—to the same location was a futile exercise. i’d lose two cars at a stop sign. many times i thought the group was following me only to find out it was some stranger’s car that looked like the car that was supposed to be follow- ing me. as i became older and wiser, i started giving every driver a map to the final destination and the phone number of that location. Setting goals is like giving every driver a map—we need to be very clear about the final outcome and very flexible as to how everyone gets there.
Here are ten tips that i found to be particularly helpful to both individual leaders and congregational teams in achieving congregational goals:
1. Make a firm decision. Before setting any goal, ask those involved, “on a scale
of one to ten (ten = very!), how committed am i to achieving this goal?” if the collective answer is not an eight or higher, seriously reconsider if you should be listing it as a goal.
2. Get priorities in order. unexpected things always show up in our lives that cause us to reshuffle our plans. Plan ahead by determining “which balls to drop” if necessary. make sure you create sufficient margins in your life so that every slight delay or interruption doesn’t result in deferring one or more of your goals. congregations have a tendency to keep adding programs and ministries without eliminating anything. This is a recipe for burnout and mediocrity. Leaders are responsible for making decisions, which involves “killing off” programs and ministries in order to say yes to the most important things. We can’t have our cake and eat it too if we’re going to do our best work on building the kingdom.
3. Write down the goals and keep them handy. List your goals somewhere that you’ll see them on a daily basis. i keep my goals on my iPhone and usually review
them when i’m waiting in line or at a stoplight or when i have a few moments
of downtime. a leadership team in Texas hands out church business cards to team members at the end of their meetings and has members write down the monthly team goals on the back of the card. Team members are encouraged to carry the goals with them everywhere, review the goals daily, pray for those in charge of each goal, and consider how they can support the goals that are listed. The reverend ron Qualley, lead pastor at Lord of Life Lutheran church, in fairfax, Virginia, keeps his personal and professional goals in his wallet and looks at them several times a day. i’ve been amazed at how much he accomplishes in a given year, and i attribute much of this success to his staying focused on his goals.
4. Determine how you’ll categorize goals. You may wish to categorize your goals
79
Surface to Soul
by project, by geography, or by leadership teams. i categorize my goals chronologically. i have a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, annual, and “someday” goals. my “someday” list includes goals and ideas that i don’t want to forget about, yet i also have no intention of acting upon them for at least a year.
5. Revisit your goals on a monthly basis. Think about them. are they realistic goals ? are you spreading yourself too thin ? did you set goals just for the sake of it or for the wrong reasons? Have situations changed that would deem certain goals no longer a priority? for leadership teams that meet monthly, i recommend that you list your goals as part of your meeting agendas to ensure that they are discussed every time you gather.
6. Identify your next steps. every goal should have a next step with a deadline. i suggest that individuals review next steps at least weekly, and that congregations review their next steps on a monthly basis.
7. Track your progress. make sure your life and ministry are going in the right direction by tracking your progress daily. i list my progress on goals using an online journal, and i find it energizing to see the goals i set for the year being realized. Tracking the progress being made on goals should be part of every meeting agenda for all congregational leadership teams. if deadlines are being missed or projects are delayed, then there needs to be conversation about how to get back on track.
8. Involve others. consider using an outside coach to accelerate your efforts. Talk to others who have gone down the same path you’re exploring and learn from their experiences. invite others to pray for you and your ministries.
9. Use Wiki-Boards or Google Docs for shared goals. i’m a fan of shared Google docs where team members can view and edit various ministry plans and projects. it’s a great way to encourage accountability, where team members describe their progress on particular projects or goals. Have participants bookmark the web page to facilitate easy access to the site.
10. Take time to consider who else you might support: don’t get so wrapped up in your own goals that you forget how you might support the goals of other lay leaders. a church staff i used to be part of had a ritual of praying for each team member’s monthly, quarterly, and annual goals. These goals were posted on
the walls of the conference room where they met each week. as part of their closing prayer, they took two minutes of silence to pray for each other and the goals they had posted on the conference room walls. The pastor commented that this weekly ritual was a simple yet profound reminder that “we’re all on the same team and have a common goal of building God’s kingdom.” He ended by stating, “Just as it’s hard to pray for those we don’t know, it’s hard to collaborate with each other if we don’t know each other’s goals.”
80
Navigate: Step 4 in Coaching Change
Setting SMART Annual Goals
To frame conversation about setting annual goals for a congregation, i usually ask leaders, “in light of your mission, core values, and strategic plan, what do you hope that you will be celebrating a year from now?” after gathering everyone’s feedback and then spending time prioritizing and combining the goals that have been listed, we begin by addressing just one major goal at a time, walking through the SmarT goal-setting process:
S make sure the stated goal is specific, addressing the six W questions: Who? What? Where? When? Which? Why?
M The goal must be measurable or it’s not a goal. if you can’t determine whether or not the goal has been accomplished, then it’s not measurable.
A The goal must build in accountability. assign a specific individual to take ownership for fulfilling the goal. most accountability problems within congregations are due to not assigning a person to be responsible for the goal.
R The goal must be realistic. don’t sabotage your efforts by setting the bar too high. it’s simply demotivating when leaders consistently fail to reach their goals due to unrealistic expectations.
T The goal must be timely. in my experience if you don’t set time deadlines for your actions, you simply don’t achieve your goals.
once you’ve completed the SmarT goal-setting process for that one goal, the next step is to break down your goal into minigoals that can be accomplished within the next ninety days. after you’ve completed this step, leaders will then spend time breaking down the ninety-day goals into thirty-day tasks. after all the goals, minigoals, and tasks have been listed, i suggest reordering the list of goals and tasks so that items with the earliest due dates are listed first. Please note that your annual SmarT goal document is a working document that needs to be reviewed and updated monthly, with new thirty- day goals being added to the list. a portion of one congregation’s annual SmarT goals is listed below to give you an idea of what a list might look like:
Annual Goal: Enhance Our Congregation’s Welcoming Presence to Visitors
30: create an undercover greeter job description (Ken)
30: Schedule extravagant hospitality training dates (Kari)
30: recruit a trainer to facilitate the hospitality training (Kari)
81
Surface to Soul
30: create a draft of hospitality training objectives and methodologies (mark) 30: assemble a website review team (Steve)
90: complete website audit report to council with recommendations (Steve) 90: Present final draft of hospitality training plans to council (mark)
90: Train staff and council members in undercover greeting methods (Ken)
360: Launch updated website that is user-friendly for visitors (Steve)
360: Train 90 percent of hospitality team members in extravagant hospitality skills (Kari) 360: equip paid and elected leaders to be undercover greeters (Ken)
as you coach leaders in your congregation, you may wish to encourage teams to begin by using Tool 25, “monthly Progress report,” to highlight the progress they’re making on their goals and the next steps they are taking in the coming month.
Final Thoughts on Goal Setting
Here are some final thoughts about navigating step 4 of the cHaNGe process. Break thirty-day tasks into bite-sized pieces. encourage individuals responsible for
thirty-day tasks to schedule daily and weekly action steps that will help them reach their goals in a timely manner. remind people that we can’t do a project—we can only do the next action. encourage meeting conveners to contact leaders throughout the month to see how they’re coming with their projects. if you don’t know what to do on a daily basis to achieve your goal, then it’s not a goal—it’s a fantasy!
Aim for good, not perfect. Sometimes we set the standards unreasonably high, which prevents us from even wanting to start. Balance your desire for perfection with the need to get things done. does it really have to be perfect to create value?
Remind people of the why. The why behind what we do is what keeps people moti- vated. The why should relate to how lives are being changed as a result of tasks we are working on. it will be easier to sustain momentum for a goal or task if the transformative reason behind it is readily apparent.
Refuse to procrastinate. don’t put off until tomorrow the things that you can do today. Start something today that matters. Procrastination only leads to regret. When i lose steam on my projects, i often read these words attributed to mark Twain for encourage- ment: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover.”
82
Navigate: Step 4 in Coaching Change
••• QUESTIONS TO PONDER
1. does your congregation have a history of setting goals? a history of achieving them?
2. if your congregation sets goals, do most people in the congregation know what they are?
3. do you have a good process for assigning and tracking goals to ensure they are accomplished?
4. are goals and actions steps regularly discussed at staff meetings? Leadership meetings?
5. What might your congregation do differently as a result of reading this chapter?
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- In what ways are the actions of the pastors and lay leaders not aligned with the congregation’s mission, vision, values, and goals?
- What steps might your congregation take to be more fully aligned, strategically (for example, in mission, vision, values, goals, structure, personnel)?
- What are some of the words and phrases that should be part of your common language?
- What procedures, practices, and processes do you need to tighten up or address?
- What qualities do you look for in congregational leaders?
- How does the congregation nurture these qualities in our current leaders?
- What’s the next step for integrating your core values into your congregation?
- What kind of alignment would you like to see in your life? Your household?
1 | DEFINING SMALL GROUPS
How large are small groups?
Generally, small groups are 4-12 people in size. If the group becomes larger than 10-12, small group leaders usually create smaller sub-groupings for deeper conversation. Small groups often include time and space for building deeper friendships, praying for each other, learning or serving together, and celebrating turning points and transitions in life.
What kinds of small groups are there?
There are a wide variety of small group approaches, and the form they take is determined by the function they are performing. Examples include:
1 | Accountability Groups: Churches often call these discipleship groups or Wesleyan groups. They focus less on a training component in the form of a teaching time and more on equipping and encouraging accomplished through a mutually agreed upon covenant which may include spiritual practices, worship, service, giving and discerning calls. They are usually longer-term relationships that allow adequate time to build trusting relationships.
2 | Affinity Groups: These are groups that meet based upon some area of common interest. Common affinity group include:
- Adventure Groups (bouldering, hiking, birding).
- Bible Study Groups (book of the Bible, spiritual practices, watch and discuss a Bible-oriented video).
- Dinner Groups ("Dinner for Eight" groups, dinners focused on a particular theme).
- Discussion Groups (book clubs, enneagram assessments, environmental issues, social issues).
- Fitness Groups: (walking, jazzercise, swimming, yoga, aerobics).
- Group Spiritual Discernment (led by a spiritual director).
- Hobby Groups (cooking, gardening, wine tasting, knitting).
- Out and About Groups (ethnic restaurants, plays, movies, museums, concerts).
- Parenting/Grand parenting/God parenting Groups.
- Service Group (soup kitchen, food pantry, Habitat for Humanity, river clean up days).
- Sports Groups (cycling, bowling, golfing, pickle ball, kayaking skiing, hiking, frisbee golf).
- Theology on Tap Groups (Beer and Bible Study).
- Travel Groups (daylong excursions, road trips, bus tours, extended travel).
What's unique about small groups?
All of the groups listed above are by definition 'small groups' since they are typically comprised of a smaller number of participants.
In addition to staying within a certain size range, small-groups often include:
- Discussions about the purpose and outcomes for the group.
- A group covenanting process that ensures safe space, confidentially, and appropriate behaviors.
- The setting of a specific start and end dates along with specific dates and times about when they'll meet.
- A designated convener/facilitator and/or a designated contact person (who also keeps everyones contact info).
- A check-in and prayer time (i.e. activities that deepen relationships and draw people closer to God).
- A discussion about whether or not to be an open or closed group.
- Opportunities to encourage people to hold them accountable to live into their intentions
Why are small groups important?
There is a lot of conversation with churches and especially within discipleship systems advocates about the value of having small groups or even "being a church of small groups." Note the emphasis of the latter. Most denominational structures are advocates for small group ministries and even focus support on the development of resources for small groups.
One of the key factors in keeping people in a local congregation "engaged" (to use the term the Gallup Organization employs) is the development of strong personal relationships with others from the congregation. The implementation of a small group ministry is not the only way to get people connected relationally, but it is one of the easiest and most effective approaches. For many congregations, the small group is THE place where the most significant development as disciples of Jesus takes place. It is not the only place this happens, but it is usually within the context of the small group that people are trained in the areas of discipleship (spiritual practices, worship, hospitality, partnering, service, and generosity). It is also the small group that provides the most common forms of intentionality and accountability.
How do small groups support the ministries of the church?
There is a rule of thumb that comes out of faith-based research: When a church has 50% or more of
the congregation involved in some type of small group, it is almost a guarantee that the church will experience growth in worship and membership. In addition, small groups:
- Help grow a culture of discipleship, where people are equipped to live like Jesus, often happens in the ministry of small groups.
- Maturing disciples attract those who not yet disciples because of the lives that they live. Small groups are a form of invitation to those outside the church to experience the love of Jesus demonstrated by the followers of Jesus.
- Pastoral care needs are best met by the people closest to the person in need. These people are often members of the same small group.
- The visibility of the church serving the needs of the community is greatly enhanced by an effective small group ministry, since small groups ideally serve together to meet needs in the community.
- The level of prayer experienced in the local congregation is greatly enhanced as small group gatherings pray for one another and the needs of the congregation and community.
- Member follow-up is best accomplished when members of a small group miss one of their own in worship and call to check on them.
- Worship participation levels are usually stronger as small groups encourage one another and check up on one another.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- What is the experience of your congregation in offering small group ministry opportunities?
- What is your personal experience as a participant in small groups? How did these experiences impact your life as a disciple? How did these experiences impact the relational connections you made in the congregation?
- Which of the small group formats does your congregation currently offer?
- What caught your attention as you considered the impact of small groups on the life and ministry of a congregation?
2 | SELECTING SMALL GROUP LEADERS
Leadership matters. This is especially true in selecting leaders for small groups. Effective small group leaders usually exhibit the following characteristics:
Use these characteristics as a screen for discerning who are the best candidates for leading your small groups. Create a job description (see sample in the appendix) for your small group leaders and customize it to reflect the uniqueness of each group. Give or send a job description to potential small group leaders. List or verbalize the primary purpose of the group, why it matters (how it leads to people's transformation, and why you felt that they were best candidate for the role you're asking them to play.
- They are relational. What is the relational capacity of the person? Do they engage others warmly? Do they connect easily with new persons? Is there evidence of deep relational connections with friends?
- They are spiritually mature: What evidence is presented that this person is a growing, maturing disciple? Are they regular in worship? Do they have a strong personal devotional life? Are they generous in supporting the ministries of the congregation? Do they engage in serving those beyond the congregation? Are they inviting friends/acquaintances to church or church events?
- They are self-aware: A good small group leader/facilitator has a high level of self-awareness. They know their strengths, baggage, and behavioral preferences.
- They are group-aware. They can read the room. They observe people's body language and tone of voice. They note who's talking and who is not. They note who is engaged and who is not. They adapt their style and approach based on what's in the best interest of the group.
- They advocates for others. Does this person find joy in helping others be successful?
- They are good listeners. They have the patience to allow other people to talk and to listen to what those people are actually saying.
- They are good communicators. They have the ability to keep the group focused by homing in on the essential points of the conversation and keep the discussing from veering off into the weeds.
- They ask good questions. They are genuinely interested in others. The ask open-ended questions that provoke new perspectives and possibilities as they draw upon each person's wisdom.
- They are humble. They are focused on the welfare and growth of the group's participants. They are supportive of the greater vision of the congregation of which they are a part.
- They are organized. They can keep the group on task because they can keep themselves on task. They are disciplined in communicating to group members and running the meeting in an appropriate fashion.
- They are grace-filled yet direct. They are willing and able to confront inappropriate behavior and deal with the dynamics and tensions within their groups.
- They exude playfulness and positivity. Their positive demeanor engages and energizes the group.
Use these characteristics as a screen for discerning who are the best candidates for leading your small groups. Create a job description (see sample in the appendix) for your small group leaders and customize it to reflect the uniqueness of each group. Give or send a job description to potential small group leaders. List or verbalize the primary purpose of the group, why it matters (how it leads to people's transformation, and why you felt that they were best candidate for the role you're asking them to play.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- What would be disqualifies for someone serving as a small group leader?
- What expectations do you have for when, how, and how often small groups leaders connect with members beyond the meeting time?
- Have you considered having 2 small group leaders for each group? If you have, how would they differentiate their roles?
3 | EQUIPPING SMALL GROUP LEADERS
FACILITATION SKILLS FOR SMALL GROUP LEADERS
Small group leaders play the role of a facilitator more than a teacher. Effective facilitation literally makes it easier to build trusting relationships within a group, draw our people's wisdom, tap into one's hopes, dreams or challenges, and navigate difficult conversations. In essence, they do whatever it takes to make conversations and the personal connections easier.
1 | Establish personal connections among members.
One of the most critical factors influencing whether people will be engaged in the conversation is whether they trust the other people in the group. Even discussion around a familiar biblical topic may be intimidating if you are not sure people will respond well to your observations. To help build trust, keep meeting over a long period of time, so that trust develops as people grow in relationship with each other. Have the group engage, at least for a few weeks, in relationship building activities. Here are just a few examples of what small group leaders do:
2 | Form a cohesive, trusting group
It's not uncommon for newly-formed groups to create a behavioral covenant with one another. This covenant describes ways that the group will interact with one another:
Groups may decide that only positive responses to others are acceptable behaviors - no judgment or put downs, etc. Group usually agree that what is shared in the group setting is confidential and not to be shared beyond the group setting.
Stages of group formation
3 | Design settings that promote caring, consequential conversations.
What kind of setting is most likely to create an atmosphere conducive for the type of group you are facilitating?
Is the group primarily a classroom experience? Is the purpose to have people listen to you and engage you, or is it more of a discussion focus where you want people to be engaging with one another? If it is the latter, you probably don't want to have the room arranged with chairs in rows where people will have their backs to one another.
Is the space one that conjures up images of sitting in class, even if the chairs are arranged in a circle? That might be counter-productive if you are trying to create an atmosphere of intimacy and trust. Might a space designated for more casual fellowship and interaction be a better location than the traditional classroom? Or might the group find that the more informal feel of a participant's home to be advantageous as a meeting place? Will the group be meeting for an extended period of time (e.g. longer than 45 minutes to an hour)? If so, find something more comfortable than traditional folding metal chairs. Is there an adjustable thermostat where the room can be kept at a comfortable temperature?
Have you designed the meeting time to allow for participants to build relationships? Do your meetings that have a balance between structured time when the work or desired outcomes get addressed and looser time in which people become acquainted? Will food or beverages be provided? Will there be breaks for eating or stretching? Consider adding group builders. Consider enlisting volunteers to host refreshments. It gives the facilitator a break and allows participants the opportunity to serve one another. Is there a general "catch up on life" time where people have an opportunity to share and engage others? How will you provide a time for the sharing of prayer concerns and the opportunity to pray for one another as needed?
4 | Create a small group facilitators toolkit that's easy to transport (if your group moves around).
What tools might you need as a facilitator? Which high tech and low tech tools will enable your facilitators. Common equipment, tools, and supplies include:
- Tech gear: laptop, projector, screen, monitor, speakers and access on internet
- Office supplies: pens, markets, post-it notes, newsprint pads, index cards, etc.
- Team building tools: Visual Faith cards, legos, tiny props, deck of cards, talking stick, TalkSheets, etc.
5 | Plan in advance how to deal with challenging members.
Since small groups in real churches are composed of real people, it is inevitable that you will face challenges in managing the group dynamics. For those of us who facilitate small groups, it is a question of when - not if- you will deal with the problem of someone who complicates the group interactions and creates situations that make other group members feel uncomfortable. Listed below are unhelpful behaviors that of show up in small group settings
6 | Design and be willing to adapt your meeting format.
While every small group has its own personality, and you can make adjustments which account for the context of the group you are facilitating, there are some basic principles which will greatly enhance the effectiveness of any group if they are practiced consistently.
A typical small group meeting experience usually includes:
7 | Continuously find ways to enhance the group experience.
If a group is to grow to its fullest relational potential, it is important that group members have opportunities to bond in common cause and fellowship beyond the boundaries of their regular meetings together. There is something about moving beyond the strictures of your regularly scheduled get-together that frees people to get to know and appreciate one another in new ways. In an informal social setting, some people who are shy during small group discussions really shine; or if you are on a service outing, someone who is handy or a natural extrovert can really open up and be themselves.
Small group leaders play the role of a facilitator more than a teacher. Effective facilitation literally makes it easier to build trusting relationships within a group, draw our people's wisdom, tap into one's hopes, dreams or challenges, and navigate difficult conversations. In essence, they do whatever it takes to make conversations and the personal connections easier.
1 | Establish personal connections among members.
One of the most critical factors influencing whether people will be engaged in the conversation is whether they trust the other people in the group. Even discussion around a familiar biblical topic may be intimidating if you are not sure people will respond well to your observations. To help build trust, keep meeting over a long period of time, so that trust develops as people grow in relationship with each other. Have the group engage, at least for a few weeks, in relationship building activities. Here are just a few examples of what small group leaders do:
- Have a display of common items (pen, comb, newspaper, light bulb, etc.), and ask each participant to select one of the items. Then have each participant share their own personal story using the item selected as a prop.
- Invite participants to share with a couple of others in the group "two truths and a lie" about themselves (two truths that people wouldn't know). Invite the groups to try and detect the lie statement.
- Pilot using "30 Second Mysteries" cards to spur people's imagination and deepen engagement.
- Show your scars! Have each participant tell a story about a scar they have and how they got it.
- Give the group a couple of questions and invite them to find a partner and share responses to a few questions.
- Establish a "Parking Lot" where ideas are parked until more appropriate for discussion.
- Engage people in physical activity when possible. Pair up people for a "walk and talk" activity.
- Give people newsprint sheets and have them draw a picture or identify bullet points for a given activity.
- Let people share with someone in the group the results of some form of personal assessment (e.g. 16 Personalities, Enneagram, etc.).
2 | Form a cohesive, trusting group
It's not uncommon for newly-formed groups to create a behavioral covenant with one another. This covenant describes ways that the group will interact with one another:
Groups may decide that only positive responses to others are acceptable behaviors - no judgment or put downs, etc. Group usually agree that what is shared in the group setting is confidential and not to be shared beyond the group setting.
Stages of group formation
- Stage 1 - Forming. People are polite and are unsure what to expect. They wonder what they will get out of the experience and if it will be worth their time. During this stage, facilitators provide structure and direction. They set a positive, safe tone. They discuss the importance confidentiality and create relationship-building opportunities.
- Stage 2 - Storming. This stage is usually the messiest. Individuals are seeking to finding their role and identity in the group. They may still be deciding if they remain in the group or leave. Without clear norms and structure, participants may engage in side conversations or talk over each other. They may exhibit anger, frustration and passive, aggressive behaviors. In this environment, some people may withdraw if they become uncomfortable. Facilitators keep the conversation flowing, use active listening skills, and may need to address "problem" individuals outside of group setting.
- Stage 3 - Norming. This stage is when the group seems to gel and when you'll see the greatest amount of group cohesion. People are comfortable sharing more often and at deeper levels. Facilitators provide activities to build group, and ask questions related to "What? So What? and Now What?":
- Stage 4 - Performing. This stage exhibits the greatest amount of interdependence among members. People are more open to being accountable and holding others accountable. Facilitators provide activities to interact, reflect, and debrief shared experiences and help members apply learnings to their daily life
3 | Design settings that promote caring, consequential conversations.
What kind of setting is most likely to create an atmosphere conducive for the type of group you are facilitating?
Is the group primarily a classroom experience? Is the purpose to have people listen to you and engage you, or is it more of a discussion focus where you want people to be engaging with one another? If it is the latter, you probably don't want to have the room arranged with chairs in rows where people will have their backs to one another.
Is the space one that conjures up images of sitting in class, even if the chairs are arranged in a circle? That might be counter-productive if you are trying to create an atmosphere of intimacy and trust. Might a space designated for more casual fellowship and interaction be a better location than the traditional classroom? Or might the group find that the more informal feel of a participant's home to be advantageous as a meeting place? Will the group be meeting for an extended period of time (e.g. longer than 45 minutes to an hour)? If so, find something more comfortable than traditional folding metal chairs. Is there an adjustable thermostat where the room can be kept at a comfortable temperature?
Have you designed the meeting time to allow for participants to build relationships? Do your meetings that have a balance between structured time when the work or desired outcomes get addressed and looser time in which people become acquainted? Will food or beverages be provided? Will there be breaks for eating or stretching? Consider adding group builders. Consider enlisting volunteers to host refreshments. It gives the facilitator a break and allows participants the opportunity to serve one another. Is there a general "catch up on life" time where people have an opportunity to share and engage others? How will you provide a time for the sharing of prayer concerns and the opportunity to pray for one another as needed?
4 | Create a small group facilitators toolkit that's easy to transport (if your group moves around).
What tools might you need as a facilitator? Which high tech and low tech tools will enable your facilitators. Common equipment, tools, and supplies include:
- Tech gear: laptop, projector, screen, monitor, speakers and access on internet
- Office supplies: pens, markets, post-it notes, newsprint pads, index cards, etc.
- Team building tools: Visual Faith cards, legos, tiny props, deck of cards, talking stick, TalkSheets, etc.
5 | Plan in advance how to deal with challenging members.
Since small groups in real churches are composed of real people, it is inevitable that you will face challenges in managing the group dynamics. For those of us who facilitate small groups, it is a question of when - not if- you will deal with the problem of someone who complicates the group interactions and creates situations that make other group members feel uncomfortable. Listed below are unhelpful behaviors that of show up in small group settings
- Monopolizers. Over talks. Wants to be in create 'time limit.' has all the answers. Facilitators need to interrupt and point out what is going on.
- Personalities that create team conflict. This includes subversives, manipulators, passive aggressives, explosives. hyper-avoiders.
- Derailers. Attempts to derail team efforts behind the scene or underground. They may use negative emotions such as fear and anger to get their own way. They seem agreeable but are not- will answer 'yes' when meaning 'no' - then not follow through. They will not confront any issue - smiles that everything is okay.
- "Me" focused rather than "we" focused. Steers conversations toward their personal agenda; not interested in team as a whole. Wants to control outcomes using manipulative tactics. May control members using anger, fear or playing the role of a victim.
- Non-contributors. They don't want to get Involved, take a risk, act with courage to get things done. Does not want to be part of the team or be in sync with the team objectives. Call it as soon as discovered; confront the individual. Point out what is happening-call it tor what it is: manipulative behavior. Confront the lack of follow-through and the inconsistencies between word and deed.
6 | Design and be willing to adapt your meeting format.
While every small group has its own personality, and you can make adjustments which account for the context of the group you are facilitating, there are some basic principles which will greatly enhance the effectiveness of any group if they are practiced consistently.
- Make sure the group members have the needed resources for the meeting: Books/workbooks Additional resources (articles, video clips, etc.).
- Encourage group members to be prepared for the conversation: Outside assignments, Reading/reflection on materials, Devotional readings.
- Provide regular communication to group members: Meeting reminders with emphasis on preparations, Summary of prayer requests from the group, Any logistical considerations (planning activities).
- Have a plan for following up when a group member is missing in action
- Have a defined time frame for how long the group will meet. The optimum for effective small group discussion is 60-90 minutes. Respect the obligations of the group members by starting and ending gatherings on schedule.
A typical small group meeting experience usually includes:
- Gathering time. A few minutes of informal conversation between group members, usually with some light refreshments provided.
- Connect time. A few minutes at the beginning of the meeting devoted to "catching up" on life, following up on commitments made in previous sessions, and building of relationships.
- Discussion/Reflection. This constitutes the majority of the meeting time and may involve watching a video, having a discussion around prepared questions, conversations beyond prepared questions, etc.
- Next Steps. Invite participants to consider what they will do with what they are discovering in the teaching/discussion. What actions will they take and be accountable for?
- Prayer. Take time for pray for one another's prayer concerns. Make a list of prayers and email to participates so they can pray for each other between small group meetings.
7 | Continuously find ways to enhance the group experience.
If a group is to grow to its fullest relational potential, it is important that group members have opportunities to bond in common cause and fellowship beyond the boundaries of their regular meetings together. There is something about moving beyond the strictures of your regularly scheduled get-together that frees people to get to know and appreciate one another in new ways. In an informal social setting, some people who are shy during small group discussions really shine; or if you are on a service outing, someone who is handy or a natural extrovert can really open up and be themselves.
- Sharing meals together: Groups often find that sharing a meal together (regularly or periodically) is a great way to build relationships and trust within the group. Camaraderie and trust are, of course, the foundational elements in creating space for deep, transparent, and vulnerable conversations that transform lives. The group may go to a local restaurant or may choose to do a 'pot luck.'
- Serving Together: Every group is encouraged to find a way to serve together periodically (every month to six weeks is recommended). This provides a safe place for participants to explore how they are gifted to serve, as well as providing another great opportunity to build relationships within the group. It also expands dramatically the witness of the church in the local community.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- What do you see as the essential elements of a small group meeting? What would you add or modify from the suggested meeting flow found in this chapter?
- What would be some questions you'd ask a small group leader to help them reflect on and improved their facilitation skills?
4 | USING A COACHING APPROACH FOR FACILITATING SMALL GROUPS
Most of the time when we talk about equipping small group leaders, what we mean is that we are going to focus on preparing them to teach the materials. Research shows that the retention/application rate for an instructional model of leading a group is somewhere between 20-40%. Contrast that with a facilitation/coaching approach where, in partnership with the participants, we help individuals discover connections with what they already know, benefit from new knowledge and perspectives they acquire as part of our work together, and challenge them to match their lifestyle to what they've learned. Using this model, the retention/application range is 60-80%.
This kind of partnership reflects a coaching approach to transformation. While this small group training guide is obviously not an in-depth resource to equip you for a professional coaching certification, there are some basic coaching skills that can be adapted to your small group leadership. If you can adjust your basic approach to a coaching mindset, the results can be dramatic. Consider the following definition, using the word COACH as an acronym:
A good coach will fulfill all the conditions spelled out in that acronym, but this ability to COACH doesn't happen by accident. While some people are naturally gifted with the qualities that enable this skill set, everyone can learn more about the tools and habits that underlie fundamental coaching techniques. And everyone who is going to facilitate a small group should do so. Here is a breakdown of the basic coaching skill set and a further dissection of each of those skills as they might be applied within the small group leader context.
SKILL 1 | LISTENING
Active listening is the ability to focus completely on what is being said, as well as the sensitivity to understand what is not being said. It is the ability to understand the meaning of what is being said as a reflection of the speaker's needs and desires, while reinforcing the speaker's confidence and self-expression. The characteristics and attitude that define an active listener are beneficial both in the context of one-to-one mentoring, as well as in a group discussion (or for that, matter in any conversation in any relationship or context).
What is active listening?
Being curious. Being fully present. Creating a safe space. Conveying value. Exploring possibilities. "Getting" someone. Active Listening is the function of specific intentional practices on the part of the listener (in this case the small group leader who is facilitating/guiding the conversation):
Reflecting: Making observations which build on the speaker's comments by highlighting specific points and expanding on them.
Paraphrasing: Repeating back what the speaker has said in slightly different words to clarify meaning.
Truth telling: Pointing out obvious gaps in the speaker's reasoning, as well as statements that are clearly incorrect or in some way non-productive.
A small group facilitator can also have a dramatic impact on the group discussion by displaying clear non-listening behaviors (the polar opposite of active listening):
Pretending to listen: This is more obvious than you might expect. You might think you're getting away with faking interest, but people can tell when you are not engaged.
Sending messages (whether wrong or right). You can listen a little too attentively by communicating with expressions or gestures that disagree vehemently with what the speaker is saying. Try to retain a neutral listening posture. If something needs to be challenged (via truth telling), do it with your words, not your body language.
Hijacking the speaker's message. This is a gone-rogue version of reflecting in which we intentionally flip the speaker's words to make a point they didn't intend, tweak them to make a point that's near and dear to our own perspective, or use them as a jumping off point to launch another topic or stir up the other group members. We should respect a speaker's words and sentiment for what they are, not what we wish them to be.
Looking at your phone. That's an obvious one, but we all are subject to the fantasy that we are the sole person on the planet who can successfully multi-task in a way that's not obnoxious or obtrusive.
SKILL 2 | ENCOURAGING
Encouragement is one of the most powerful coaching skills in the toolkit. Most people do not get enough encouragement in any aspect of their lives.
People blossom and thrive when they are encouraged. Nancy Kline, in her book, Time to Think, asserts that encouragement (also termed appreciation or acknowledgment) is important not because it feels good or is nice, but because it helps people to think for themselves on the cutting edge of an issue. It is suggested that coaches/facilitators aim for a 5:1 ratio of encouragement to criticism.
Encouragement is offered in these ways:
Speaking hope.
Approving the excellent.
Empowering.
Seeing potential.
Using "and" more than "but."
Genuine encouragement should reflect these qualities:
It should be authentic.
It should be unequivocal—no "maybes."
It should be enthusiastic.
It should be specific.
It should be substantive—reflecting not just "what" but "who" the recipient is.
SKILL 3 | ASKING POWERFUL QUESTIONS
Powerful questioning is the ability to pose insightful queries that reveal the information needed for maximum benefit to move a conversation forward or help an individual probe an issue. Dorothy Leeds, in The 7 Powers of Questions: Secrets to Successful Communication in Life and at Work, suggests that such queries will always do one or more of these things:7
Avoid questions that cause people to get caught up in the weeds, focusing on small details at the expense of the greater discussion. Avoid rehashing the past or blaming others. Avoid conversations that lead to an "us vs. them" mindset. Engage people in purposeful questions that help people stay connected to what's most important. Engage people in conversations that look towards the future and imagine the possibilities that change and new ideas can bring. Keep your focus on the people in the room. Seek to draw out their experiences and challenges.
QUESTION STRATEGIES that move the conversation forward:
SKILL 4 | RESPONDING
Direct communication (responding) is the ability to communicate effectively during coaching sessions and to use language that has the greatest positive impact on the conversation and its participants. Responding includes:
SKILL 5 | NEGOTIATING
Negotiation describes the process by which the coach helps the coachee move from thinking about an issue to taking active steps to do something about that issue. Sometimes, this will occur in the context of the accountability portion of your small group sessions. Sometimes it will happen one-to-one. Occasionally, you will find this skill helpful for leading the small group itself toward corporate decisions. Here are some negotiation techniques:
Practical tools for negotiating:
THE "GROW" COACHING MODEL
The GROW model provides a useful structure for coaches to help their coachees move forward in tangible ways (in whatever area of their life - work, relationships, personal growth - in which they wish to move forward. In the small group context (and if you find yourself at some point in a Mentor or Spiritual Guide context), the GROW model can be very effective with guiding accountability discussions. The elements of the GROW model can help focus the group discussion for defining accountability among group members, and it can be an incisive tool for helping individual group members who are interested in growth identify goals and ways to meet those goals. The GROW model was developed by John Whitmore in Coaching for Performance: The Principles and Practice of Coaching and Leadership and identifies four areas of focus for moving forward in a positive direction. Here is a textual breakdown of these principles, as used in a standard coaching conversation (the kind you might have with someone for whom you are acting as a spiritual mentor):
GOAL: Where are we headed?
REALITY: Where are we starting from?
OPTIONS: How can we get there?
WHAT WILL YOU DO? What will it take to get there?
This kind of partnership reflects a coaching approach to transformation. While this small group training guide is obviously not an in-depth resource to equip you for a professional coaching certification, there are some basic coaching skills that can be adapted to your small group leadership. If you can adjust your basic approach to a coaching mindset, the results can be dramatic. Consider the following definition, using the word COACH as an acronym:
- C - Comes alongside.
- O - Observes carefully.
- A - Asks questions wisely.
- C - Communicates options and resources.
- H - Holds accountable (and cares for the heart).
A good coach will fulfill all the conditions spelled out in that acronym, but this ability to COACH doesn't happen by accident. While some people are naturally gifted with the qualities that enable this skill set, everyone can learn more about the tools and habits that underlie fundamental coaching techniques. And everyone who is going to facilitate a small group should do so. Here is a breakdown of the basic coaching skill set and a further dissection of each of those skills as they might be applied within the small group leader context.
SKILL 1 | LISTENING
Active listening is the ability to focus completely on what is being said, as well as the sensitivity to understand what is not being said. It is the ability to understand the meaning of what is being said as a reflection of the speaker's needs and desires, while reinforcing the speaker's confidence and self-expression. The characteristics and attitude that define an active listener are beneficial both in the context of one-to-one mentoring, as well as in a group discussion (or for that, matter in any conversation in any relationship or context).
What is active listening?
Being curious. Being fully present. Creating a safe space. Conveying value. Exploring possibilities. "Getting" someone. Active Listening is the function of specific intentional practices on the part of the listener (in this case the small group leader who is facilitating/guiding the conversation):
Reflecting: Making observations which build on the speaker's comments by highlighting specific points and expanding on them.
Paraphrasing: Repeating back what the speaker has said in slightly different words to clarify meaning.
Truth telling: Pointing out obvious gaps in the speaker's reasoning, as well as statements that are clearly incorrect or in some way non-productive.
A small group facilitator can also have a dramatic impact on the group discussion by displaying clear non-listening behaviors (the polar opposite of active listening):
Pretending to listen: This is more obvious than you might expect. You might think you're getting away with faking interest, but people can tell when you are not engaged.
Sending messages (whether wrong or right). You can listen a little too attentively by communicating with expressions or gestures that disagree vehemently with what the speaker is saying. Try to retain a neutral listening posture. If something needs to be challenged (via truth telling), do it with your words, not your body language.
Hijacking the speaker's message. This is a gone-rogue version of reflecting in which we intentionally flip the speaker's words to make a point they didn't intend, tweak them to make a point that's near and dear to our own perspective, or use them as a jumping off point to launch another topic or stir up the other group members. We should respect a speaker's words and sentiment for what they are, not what we wish them to be.
Looking at your phone. That's an obvious one, but we all are subject to the fantasy that we are the sole person on the planet who can successfully multi-task in a way that's not obnoxious or obtrusive.
SKILL 2 | ENCOURAGING
Encouragement is one of the most powerful coaching skills in the toolkit. Most people do not get enough encouragement in any aspect of their lives.
People blossom and thrive when they are encouraged. Nancy Kline, in her book, Time to Think, asserts that encouragement (also termed appreciation or acknowledgment) is important not because it feels good or is nice, but because it helps people to think for themselves on the cutting edge of an issue. It is suggested that coaches/facilitators aim for a 5:1 ratio of encouragement to criticism.
Encouragement is offered in these ways:
Speaking hope.
Approving the excellent.
Empowering.
Seeing potential.
Using "and" more than "but."
Genuine encouragement should reflect these qualities:
It should be authentic.
It should be unequivocal—no "maybes."
It should be enthusiastic.
It should be specific.
It should be substantive—reflecting not just "what" but "who" the recipient is.
SKILL 3 | ASKING POWERFUL QUESTIONS
Powerful questioning is the ability to pose insightful queries that reveal the information needed for maximum benefit to move a conversation forward or help an individual probe an issue. Dorothy Leeds, in The 7 Powers of Questions: Secrets to Successful Communication in Life and at Work, suggests that such queries will always do one or more of these things:7
- Powerful questions demand answers.
- Powerful questions stimulate thinking.
- Powerful questions give powerful information.
- Powerful questions lead to powerful listening.
- Powerful questions get people to open up.
- Powerful questions get people to persuade themselves.
Avoid questions that cause people to get caught up in the weeds, focusing on small details at the expense of the greater discussion. Avoid rehashing the past or blaming others. Avoid conversations that lead to an "us vs. them" mindset. Engage people in purposeful questions that help people stay connected to what's most important. Engage people in conversations that look towards the future and imagine the possibilities that change and new ideas can bring. Keep your focus on the people in the room. Seek to draw out their experiences and challenges.
QUESTION STRATEGIES that move the conversation forward:
- Ask open-ended questions: Avoid "yes or no" questions. Use as a guideline the old journalistic formulation of "who, what, when, where and how," if it's helpful, but try to ask questions that require detailed, thoughtful responses.
- Avoid solution-oriented questions. These are questions that are formulated in such a way that you are really just forcing the speaker to provide answers you were already looking for. Your questions should instead be genuinely curious and allow for honest expression.
- Try zooming in /zooming out. Harvard's Rosabeth Moss Kanter's metaphor about the need to take a wider perspective, while sometimes zooming in on the details. It's an important skill to know when each view - wide angle or microscopic - is valuable (particularly at knowing which details are the critical factors in a discussion or a decision).
SKILL 4 | RESPONDING
Direct communication (responding) is the ability to communicate effectively during coaching sessions and to use language that has the greatest positive impact on the conversation and its participants. Responding includes:
- Truth-telling. Sharing what you are seeing from the facilitator's perspective.
- Feedback. Giving honest assessments and opinions (this is non-directive, e.g. consulting).
- Insights. Sharing intuitive thoughts.
- Interrupting. Masterful interrupting is truly an art and holds great benefit to the coachee, bringing them back on track or helping them get to the point.
- Advising, While the focus of a coaching conversation is to tap into the expertise of the coachee, there are also times when the coach has expertise and experience that can have a positive impact on the progress of the coachee. The key is that the advice must be appropriate and asked for.
- Directing. This is a technique for steering the conversation back toward the stated goals for the session or relationship.
- Messaging. This is the speaking of a 'truth' that will help the coachee to act more quickly.
SKILL 5 | NEGOTIATING
Negotiation describes the process by which the coach helps the coachee move from thinking about an issue to taking active steps to do something about that issue. Sometimes, this will occur in the context of the accountability portion of your small group sessions. Sometimes it will happen one-to-one. Occasionally, you will find this skill helpful for leading the small group itself toward corporate decisions. Here are some negotiation techniques:
- Determine action steps. What's next? What specific thing are you/we trying to accomplish? What resources do you/we need? What will you/we have to have in place in order to make this happen?
- Remove obstacles. What could stop you/we from doing this? What are the obstacles that could stop you/us from moving ahead? What could go wrong? If you/we move ahead, what is the worst case scenario for how things could derail?
- Gain commitment. What could you/we do? What are the possibilities? What will you/we do? Let's pick a specific course of action and commit to it. When will this be done? Let's don't leave it hanging out there amorphously. Let's pick a date and commit to it.
Practical tools for negotiating:
- Small steps. Having identified a goal, what are the small steps that will be necessary to get us going on the journey?
- Backward planning. Let's "begin with the end in mind," and chart out the steps that will be required to get us to the destination.
- Creating structure. Let's come up with a framework for how the steps will be managed and accomplished.
- Anchoring. How do we reinforce our core values as we move forward? How do we stay anchored to the core idea that empowers our goal?
- Daily actions. What daily to-do items will move us forward toward the goal. As we're breaking things down into "small steps," what recurring actions will keep us accountable to making those steps happen.
THE "GROW" COACHING MODEL
The GROW model provides a useful structure for coaches to help their coachees move forward in tangible ways (in whatever area of their life - work, relationships, personal growth - in which they wish to move forward. In the small group context (and if you find yourself at some point in a Mentor or Spiritual Guide context), the GROW model can be very effective with guiding accountability discussions. The elements of the GROW model can help focus the group discussion for defining accountability among group members, and it can be an incisive tool for helping individual group members who are interested in growth identify goals and ways to meet those goals. The GROW model was developed by John Whitmore in Coaching for Performance: The Principles and Practice of Coaching and Leadership and identifies four areas of focus for moving forward in a positive direction. Here is a textual breakdown of these principles, as used in a standard coaching conversation (the kind you might have with someone for whom you are acting as a spiritual mentor):
GOAL: Where are we headed?
- How can I be most helpful to you today? What do you need to get the most out of this conversation? What role do you need a listener or advisor to play?
- What topic should we concentrate on during this session? What is the one topic on which we could focus today that will have the most impact on moving you forward in a meaningful direction?
- What are the issues that you face today? What are the most important items that are holding you back, giving you grief, or sapping your energy?
REALITY: Where are we starting from?
- Tell me about your current situation. Describe it as honestly as you can, yet as objectively as possible.
- What are the difficulties that you face? Name the obstacles and how each is impacting your attitude.
- How are you resourcing yourself around this issue? In what ways have you sought to gain advice or consult expertise to work through this issue?
- What is your biggest area of discomfort about this issue? What is the one thing that is causing you the most stress and anxiety?
OPTIONS: How can we get there?
- Tell me what you think are some options for a solution. List them, without preemptively dismissing possibilities.
- What else? Probe more deeply around all angles of the issue. What are you missing?
- What other options might present themselves as you take on other perspectives?
- If there were no obstacles (like money or people) what else would you consider?
- If all options were possible, what would be the best path forward?
WHAT WILL YOU DO? What will it take to get there?
- What do you need to do this? Having decided to move forward with a defined strategy, what are the specific things you will need to make it happen?
- How will you prioritize your options? How will you decide what needs to be done first and what can wait till further in the process?
- What one thing can you accomplish this week that will move you in the right direction? Commit to taking that action fearlessly. How can I pray for you this week?
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- How will thinking like a coach (rather than just a teacher) change your small group dynamic?
- Which of the coaching skills (listening, encouraging, asking powerful questions, responding, negotiating) do you find most natural and which do you find most difficult?
- What do you find most challenging about being a good listener when you are facilitating a group discussion? What frustrates you the most?
- How can inspire/lead other participants in your group to also emulate these coaching skills?
- What insights did you gain from learning about the GROW model that you can use in facilitating group growth?