STEP 1: CONNECT
Develop trusting, AAA relationships through caring conversations
"Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise." - Deuteronomy 6:6-7
The Deuteronomy text reminds us of the importance of relationships in living and passing on faith. In a study titled Effective Christian Education: A National Study of Protestant Congregations, funded by the Lilly Endowment and the six participating denominations, Search Institute describes the important role that mothers, fathers and grandparents play in a young person’s faith formation process. Referring to the Five Principles for passing on faith, we remind people that “faith is formed by the power of the Holy Spirit through personal trusted relationship - often in our own homes.”
Whether it’s in our homes or in our congregations, trust serves as the foundation for all healthy relationships. It’s what allows us to be vulnerable to one another where we can acknowledge our skill deficiencies, interpersonal shortcomings, past failures, and requests for help. Without trust, we spend more time and energy managing the behaviors and interactions among each other, and less time and energy on fulfilling our mission and addressing our most pressing issues.
Homes and congregations should be safe places where trust abounds and people can be vulnerable. One of the most significant pathways for building trust involves taking time to listen and learn about another person’s life story. When we connect with one another through our stories we have the opportunity to learn about how they see the world and what motivates them. When we hear about the challenges they’ve encountered, what values and beliefs they hold dear, and what has shaped their world view, it helps us understand who they are and why they do what they do. As one congregational leader shared with me, ”It’s much easier to trust someone once we get to know them.” If our congregations are to thrive, then we need to reclaim the importance of weaving caring conversations into the fabric of our lives and ministries.
Most congregations I work with feel that they are welcoming places that excel in helping their members build significant relationships with each other. My experience suggests that is true - up to a point. In every congregation you will find people who experience deep, abiding relationships with each another. These individuals often refer to their congregation as their “second family.” So often, however, that is simply not the case for many members - and for the visitors who walk through the doors. I ask congregations I work with, "What makes your congregation a welcoming place for visitors?" Responses range from “we wear name tags” to “we serve coffee after worship” to “we have ushers and greeters by our doorways.” I usually tell them that I feel welcome when someone who is not on staff and not “assigned” to be friendly takes the time to introduce themselves to me and learn a few things about my life and background. I remember attending worship at the same congregation two weeks in a row and meeting one of greeters the first week who was very friendly to me in his role as a greeter. The next week I saw him in the narthex, made eye contact with him, but noticed that he seemed to have little interest in extending hospitality to me this week. I approached him, reminding him I we had met last week and that I missed his smile and handshake. He replied “I remember you from last week but I’m not serving as a greeter this week.” I was taken back by his comment until I realized that this is the subtle message I find at most congregations - that as members, we’re off the hook as greeters unless we’ve been assigned to do so!
There are times when I’ve entered congregations and have had several people race up to me, extend hospitality, and then proceed to tell me about the benefits of membership at their congregation. I couldn’t help but think how similar their approach was to when I considered joining a Bally’s US Swim & Fitness Health Club and was pressured to take advantage of their limited time membership offer. I honestly wasn’t sure if I was being greeted for who I am, or for the sake of becoming a future member who would help pay the church mortgage.
The most genuine experience of hospitality I’ve encountered in a congregational setting took place during a week-long mission trip to Columbia, South Carolina, we were housed at a local church Our group arrived late Saturday night and then attended worship the following morning. Following the service, a retired gentleman approached me and asked, "Does your group have plans for lunch?" I said no, stating that we hadn't had a chance to buy groceries yet. He said "Good, because my wife and I would like to take your group out to dinner - in fact I just made reservations to treat you to one of our favorite local diners." Not only did he treat us to a delicious lunch, but he and his wife spent most of their time at the restaurant moving from table to table, introducing themselves to each participant. Later that same week, they brought our group sacks of boiled peanuts and trays of pulled pork stating, "You can't go back to Minnesota without tasting these local treats." This couple's extravagant hospitality and genuine interest in our group became the benchmark for how our group wanted to treat visitors who attended our home congregation. They modeled for me what I hope every visitor would experience when connecting with a congregation - extravagant hospitality based on a genuine desire to make a new friend.
Most of our training events include caring conversation exercises that involve people getting out of their pews and meeting other people. I led one of our typical exercises for a congregation in the Chicago area and over lunch an elderly woman approached me, and whispered in my ear, “Thanks to your little mixer, I now know the lady’s name who sits across the aisle from me at worship every week. I’ve spent the last ten years in church trying to remember her name!”
We’ve all had those moments in our congregation where we’ve met a person before and are too embarrassed to admit that we’ve forgotten their name. This used to bother me too until I realized that my pride was was preventing me from having a real relationship with that person. When I ask them their name again, they often mention that they’ve forgotten my name too!
Recently, I asked a college student from the University of Minnesota why he no longer attends his home congregation that wasn’t far from campus. He replied, “I don’t think they’re interested in what I’m doing, and I’m not sure that they’d remember my name.” Helping people develop meaningful relationships with each other in our congregations take more effort that slapping on a name tag. It takes time and it takes intentionality. In the book, Coming of Age: Exploring the Identity and Spirituality of Younger Men, authors David Anderson, Paul Hill and Rollie Martinson suggest an “I-Go” strategy for reaching out to younger men:
Identify
Invite
Invest
I would argue that the practice for reaching out to younger men found in this book should serve as the foundation for all our evangelism efforts. One of the first things I do when serving a congregation is to infuse every meeting, event and worship experiences with faith stories and caring conversations. I meet with leaders 1-on-1 to learn about their life and faith using the form found in the Leadership Toolkit as a guide (Tool #4). The meetings I convene all have “caring conversations” as an agenda item. My sermons frequently include a question for worshippers to ask each other during worship, and almost always include a question to discuss on their way home in the car. When I write monthly newsletter articles, I usually include “5 Questions to Ponder this month” below my name or else weave them into my article.
Every October, I encourage members to “Take the Caring Conversation Challenge,” providing them with 31 questions to ask members, colleagues and friends and loved ones throughout the month (Tool #5). Most recently, I’ve begun videotaping people’s faith stories to be used during new member orientations, worship services, confirmation gatherings and congregational meetings (Tool #6). One of the assignments I often give to congregations we coach is to complete the “Integrating the Four Keys” Planning Form (Tool #7) where they brainstorm ways to encourage caring conversations in every arena of home and congregational life.
One of my favorite activities when serving congregations is to go golfing with members. I make a point of asking each participant one question per hole and am always amazed at how much I learn about each golfer by the time we were finished. At one congregation I served, this practice of asking questions caught on with other foursomes and when we had golf tournaments, I was assigned the job of handing out the “18 Questions” which would be discussed throughout the tournament. Listed below are the “Front 9” questions we asked:
1. Describe your family. What are your favorite family memories?
2. If your family had to move to another state where would you like to move?
3. What do you like to do in your free time?
4. What’s been the best day of your life?
5. If you could add one room to your home, what would it be?
6. What skill would you like to master (besides golf)?
7. What three things would you like to accomplish in the next ten years?
8. Who are the people that have influenced your life and faith? What did they do?
9. If you could live your life over, what would you do different?
The idea for having caring conversations in our home began when my wife and I took a trip to Miami Beach. At the airport, I purchased a book called If that had hundreds of questions in it. While walking the beach every morning we asked each other questions from this book. Both of us were surprised at how much we learned about each other during the week by simply including caring conversations into our morning walk.
The majority of caring conversations that currently take place among my household occur during dinner time, bedtime and car time. During meals we make a point of asking each other questions from Table Topics, FaithTalk, ChatPak and Cozy Chair, with my two boys serving as the question askers. At bedtime, we share our “Top Five” which include:
The day’s highs and lows
A funny or memorable moment
Things we’re thankful for
Learning and what we’d do differently if we could relive this day
People, places and events to pray for
The car is one of my favorite locations for having caring conversations. I ask friends and family members FaithTalk questions found on my iPhone. I keep other questions in my glovebox and pull them out frequently. I find that I learn more about my oldest son on the way to and from his sports practices than I during most other times we’re together.
Engaging others in caring conversations has become a lost art for many people. Some are not sure where to begin and some state that given their hectic schedules, “it’s just not a priority.” Please note that time is really not the issue - all it takes is a commitment to weave caring conversations into what we’re already doing - eating dinner, going for a walk, running errands, etc.
Caring conversations open the door to developing significant relationships where people are given permission to share their life and faith stories. Caring conversations build trust among people that’s essential for moving forward in ministry. Do not skimp on this important step of CONNECTING. Doing so will hinder the impact of your future C.H.A.N.G.E efforts!
____________________________________________________________________________
Questions to Ponder
What are the events or experiences that have had the greatest impact on building community among our members?
What are we currently doing to teach households how to practice Caring Conversations at home?
Do our meetings and events include time for intentional relationship building?
What are three ways you could be more intentional about having Caring Conversations beyond the congregation?
What are three ways we could be more intentional about having Caring Conversations within our congregation?
Develop trusting, AAA relationships through caring conversations
"Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise." - Deuteronomy 6:6-7
The Deuteronomy text reminds us of the importance of relationships in living and passing on faith. In a study titled Effective Christian Education: A National Study of Protestant Congregations, funded by the Lilly Endowment and the six participating denominations, Search Institute describes the important role that mothers, fathers and grandparents play in a young person’s faith formation process. Referring to the Five Principles for passing on faith, we remind people that “faith is formed by the power of the Holy Spirit through personal trusted relationship - often in our own homes.”
Whether it’s in our homes or in our congregations, trust serves as the foundation for all healthy relationships. It’s what allows us to be vulnerable to one another where we can acknowledge our skill deficiencies, interpersonal shortcomings, past failures, and requests for help. Without trust, we spend more time and energy managing the behaviors and interactions among each other, and less time and energy on fulfilling our mission and addressing our most pressing issues.
Homes and congregations should be safe places where trust abounds and people can be vulnerable. One of the most significant pathways for building trust involves taking time to listen and learn about another person’s life story. When we connect with one another through our stories we have the opportunity to learn about how they see the world and what motivates them. When we hear about the challenges they’ve encountered, what values and beliefs they hold dear, and what has shaped their world view, it helps us understand who they are and why they do what they do. As one congregational leader shared with me, ”It’s much easier to trust someone once we get to know them.” If our congregations are to thrive, then we need to reclaim the importance of weaving caring conversations into the fabric of our lives and ministries.
Most congregations I work with feel that they are welcoming places that excel in helping their members build significant relationships with each other. My experience suggests that is true - up to a point. In every congregation you will find people who experience deep, abiding relationships with each another. These individuals often refer to their congregation as their “second family.” So often, however, that is simply not the case for many members - and for the visitors who walk through the doors. I ask congregations I work with, "What makes your congregation a welcoming place for visitors?" Responses range from “we wear name tags” to “we serve coffee after worship” to “we have ushers and greeters by our doorways.” I usually tell them that I feel welcome when someone who is not on staff and not “assigned” to be friendly takes the time to introduce themselves to me and learn a few things about my life and background. I remember attending worship at the same congregation two weeks in a row and meeting one of greeters the first week who was very friendly to me in his role as a greeter. The next week I saw him in the narthex, made eye contact with him, but noticed that he seemed to have little interest in extending hospitality to me this week. I approached him, reminding him I we had met last week and that I missed his smile and handshake. He replied “I remember you from last week but I’m not serving as a greeter this week.” I was taken back by his comment until I realized that this is the subtle message I find at most congregations - that as members, we’re off the hook as greeters unless we’ve been assigned to do so!
There are times when I’ve entered congregations and have had several people race up to me, extend hospitality, and then proceed to tell me about the benefits of membership at their congregation. I couldn’t help but think how similar their approach was to when I considered joining a Bally’s US Swim & Fitness Health Club and was pressured to take advantage of their limited time membership offer. I honestly wasn’t sure if I was being greeted for who I am, or for the sake of becoming a future member who would help pay the church mortgage.
The most genuine experience of hospitality I’ve encountered in a congregational setting took place during a week-long mission trip to Columbia, South Carolina, we were housed at a local church Our group arrived late Saturday night and then attended worship the following morning. Following the service, a retired gentleman approached me and asked, "Does your group have plans for lunch?" I said no, stating that we hadn't had a chance to buy groceries yet. He said "Good, because my wife and I would like to take your group out to dinner - in fact I just made reservations to treat you to one of our favorite local diners." Not only did he treat us to a delicious lunch, but he and his wife spent most of their time at the restaurant moving from table to table, introducing themselves to each participant. Later that same week, they brought our group sacks of boiled peanuts and trays of pulled pork stating, "You can't go back to Minnesota without tasting these local treats." This couple's extravagant hospitality and genuine interest in our group became the benchmark for how our group wanted to treat visitors who attended our home congregation. They modeled for me what I hope every visitor would experience when connecting with a congregation - extravagant hospitality based on a genuine desire to make a new friend.
Most of our training events include caring conversation exercises that involve people getting out of their pews and meeting other people. I led one of our typical exercises for a congregation in the Chicago area and over lunch an elderly woman approached me, and whispered in my ear, “Thanks to your little mixer, I now know the lady’s name who sits across the aisle from me at worship every week. I’ve spent the last ten years in church trying to remember her name!”
We’ve all had those moments in our congregation where we’ve met a person before and are too embarrassed to admit that we’ve forgotten their name. This used to bother me too until I realized that my pride was was preventing me from having a real relationship with that person. When I ask them their name again, they often mention that they’ve forgotten my name too!
Recently, I asked a college student from the University of Minnesota why he no longer attends his home congregation that wasn’t far from campus. He replied, “I don’t think they’re interested in what I’m doing, and I’m not sure that they’d remember my name.” Helping people develop meaningful relationships with each other in our congregations take more effort that slapping on a name tag. It takes time and it takes intentionality. In the book, Coming of Age: Exploring the Identity and Spirituality of Younger Men, authors David Anderson, Paul Hill and Rollie Martinson suggest an “I-Go” strategy for reaching out to younger men:
Identify
- What young men has God put into my life?
- With whom do I have a natural connection?
Invite
- Invite him into conversations and find out what interests and energizes him
- Invite him to do something with you - go fishing, attend a ball game or a barbecue
Invest
- Develop an ongoing relationship with the young men
- Meet in person on a regular basis and follow up with texting and phone calls
- Pray for the young men on a regular basis
I would argue that the practice for reaching out to younger men found in this book should serve as the foundation for all our evangelism efforts. One of the first things I do when serving a congregation is to infuse every meeting, event and worship experiences with faith stories and caring conversations. I meet with leaders 1-on-1 to learn about their life and faith using the form found in the Leadership Toolkit as a guide (Tool #4). The meetings I convene all have “caring conversations” as an agenda item. My sermons frequently include a question for worshippers to ask each other during worship, and almost always include a question to discuss on their way home in the car. When I write monthly newsletter articles, I usually include “5 Questions to Ponder this month” below my name or else weave them into my article.
Every October, I encourage members to “Take the Caring Conversation Challenge,” providing them with 31 questions to ask members, colleagues and friends and loved ones throughout the month (Tool #5). Most recently, I’ve begun videotaping people’s faith stories to be used during new member orientations, worship services, confirmation gatherings and congregational meetings (Tool #6). One of the assignments I often give to congregations we coach is to complete the “Integrating the Four Keys” Planning Form (Tool #7) where they brainstorm ways to encourage caring conversations in every arena of home and congregational life.
One of my favorite activities when serving congregations is to go golfing with members. I make a point of asking each participant one question per hole and am always amazed at how much I learn about each golfer by the time we were finished. At one congregation I served, this practice of asking questions caught on with other foursomes and when we had golf tournaments, I was assigned the job of handing out the “18 Questions” which would be discussed throughout the tournament. Listed below are the “Front 9” questions we asked:
1. Describe your family. What are your favorite family memories?
2. If your family had to move to another state where would you like to move?
3. What do you like to do in your free time?
4. What’s been the best day of your life?
5. If you could add one room to your home, what would it be?
6. What skill would you like to master (besides golf)?
7. What three things would you like to accomplish in the next ten years?
8. Who are the people that have influenced your life and faith? What did they do?
9. If you could live your life over, what would you do different?
The idea for having caring conversations in our home began when my wife and I took a trip to Miami Beach. At the airport, I purchased a book called If that had hundreds of questions in it. While walking the beach every morning we asked each other questions from this book. Both of us were surprised at how much we learned about each other during the week by simply including caring conversations into our morning walk.
The majority of caring conversations that currently take place among my household occur during dinner time, bedtime and car time. During meals we make a point of asking each other questions from Table Topics, FaithTalk, ChatPak and Cozy Chair, with my two boys serving as the question askers. At bedtime, we share our “Top Five” which include:
The day’s highs and lows
A funny or memorable moment
Things we’re thankful for
Learning and what we’d do differently if we could relive this day
People, places and events to pray for
The car is one of my favorite locations for having caring conversations. I ask friends and family members FaithTalk questions found on my iPhone. I keep other questions in my glovebox and pull them out frequently. I find that I learn more about my oldest son on the way to and from his sports practices than I during most other times we’re together.
Engaging others in caring conversations has become a lost art for many people. Some are not sure where to begin and some state that given their hectic schedules, “it’s just not a priority.” Please note that time is really not the issue - all it takes is a commitment to weave caring conversations into what we’re already doing - eating dinner, going for a walk, running errands, etc.
Caring conversations open the door to developing significant relationships where people are given permission to share their life and faith stories. Caring conversations build trust among people that’s essential for moving forward in ministry. Do not skimp on this important step of CONNECTING. Doing so will hinder the impact of your future C.H.A.N.G.E efforts!
____________________________________________________________________________
Questions to Ponder
What are the events or experiences that have had the greatest impact on building community among our members?
What are we currently doing to teach households how to practice Caring Conversations at home?
Do our meetings and events include time for intentional relationship building?
What are three ways you could be more intentional about having Caring Conversations beyond the congregation?
What are three ways we could be more intentional about having Caring Conversations within our congregation?