Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone.[a] 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. 6 Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. 7 Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. 8 Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem[b] on your forehead, 9 and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
AN INVITATION TO BE TRANSFORMED
The first of Vibrant faith ministries’ five Principles for passing on faith reminds people that “faith is formed by the power of the Holy Spirit through personal trusted relationship — often in our own homes.” in our homes and in our congregations, trust serves as the foundation for all healthy relationships. connecting through relationships of trust and care, therefore, is the first step in the process of coaching cHaNGe in congregations. Trust is what allows us to be vulnerable to one another where we can acknowledge our skill deficiencies, interper- sonal shortcomings, past failures, and requests for help. Without trust, we spend more time and energy managing the behaviors and interactions among each other, and less time and energy fulfilling our mission and addressing our most pressing issues.
Homes and congregations should be safe places where trust abounds and people can be vulnerable. one of the most significant pathways for building trust involves taking time to listen and learn about another person’s life story. When we connect with one another through our stories we have the opportunity to learn about how they see the world and what motivates them. When we hear about the challenges they’ve encoun- tered, what values and beliefs they hold dear, and what has shaped their worldview, it helps us understand who they are and why they do what they do. as one congrega- tional leader shared with me, “it’s much easier to trust someone once we get to know them.” if our congregations are to thrive, then we need to reclaim the importance of weaving caring conversations into the fabric of our lives and ministries.
Extending Hospitality ( “It’s much easier to trust someone once we get to know them.”)
Most congregations feel that they are welcoming places that excel in helping their people build significant relationships with each other. my experience suggests that is true—up to a point. in every congregation you will find people who experience deep, abiding relationships with each another. These individuals often refer to their congregation as their “second family.” So often, however, that is simply not the case for many people—and for the visitors who walk through the doors. i ask congregations i work with, “What makes your congregation a welcoming place for visitors?” responses range from “We wear name tags” to “We serve coffee after worship” to “We have ushers and greeters by our
doorways.” i usually tell them that i feel welcome when someone who is not on staff and not assigned to be friendly takes the time to introduce themselves to me and learn a few things about my life and background.
I remember attending worship at the same congregation two weeks in a row and meeting one of greeters the first week who was very friendly to me in his role as a greeter. The next week i saw him in the narthex, made eye contact with him, but noticed that he seemed to have little interest in extending hospitality to me this week. i approached him, reminding him that we had met last week and that I missed his smile and handshake. He replied, “i remember you from last week but i’m not serving as a greeter this week.” i was taken aback by his comment until i realized that this is the subtle message i find at most congrega- tions — that as members we’re off the hook as greeters unless we’ve been assigned to do so!
There are times when i’ve entered congregations and have had several people race up to me, extend hospitality, and then proceed to tell me about the benefits of membership
at their congregation. i couldn’t help but think how similar their approach was to when i considered joining a local fitness center and was pressured to take advantage of their limited time membership offer. i honestly wasn’t sure if i was being greeted for who i am, or for the sake of becoming a future member who would help pay the church mortgage.
“I remember you from last week but I’m not serving as a greeter this week.”
The most genuine experience of hospitality i’ve encountered in a congregational setting took place during a weeklong mission trip to columbia, South carolina where we were housed at a local church. our group arrived late Saturday night and then attended worship the following morning. following the service, a retired gentleman approached me and asked, “does your group have plans for lunch?” i said no, stating that we hadn’t had a chance to buy groceries yet. He said “Good, because my wife and i would like to take your group out to dinner — in fact i just made reservations to treat you at one of our favorite local diners.” Not only did he treat us to a delicious lunch, but he and his wife also spent most of their time at the restaurant moving from table to table, introducing themselves to each participant. Later that same week, they brought our group sacks of boiled peanuts and trays of pulled pork stating, “You can’t go back to minnesota without tasting these local treats.” This couple’s extravagant hospitality and genuine interest in our group became the benchmark for how our group wanted to treat visitors who attended our home congregation. They modeled for me what i hope every visitor would experience when connecting with a congregation —extravagant hospitality based on a genuine desire to make a new friend.
Remembering Names
Most Vibrant faith ministries training events include caring conversation exercises that involve people getting out of their pews and meeting other people. after i had led one of our typical exercises for a congregation in the chicago area, an elderly woman approached me over lunch, and whispered in my ear, “Thanks to your little mixer, i now know the lady’s name who sits across the aisle from me at worship every week. i’ve spent the last ten years in church trying to remember her name!”
We’ve all had those moments in our congregation where we’ve met a person before and are too embarrassed to admit that we’ve forgotten his or her name. This used to bother me too until i realized that my pride was preventing me from having a real relationship with that person. Now i find that when i ask people their name again because i’ve forgotten it, they often mention that they’ve forgotten my name too!
Recently, I asked a college student from the university of minnesota why he no longer attends his home congregation that wasn’t far from campus. He replied, “i don’t think they’re interested in what i’m doing, and i’m not sure that they’d remember my name.” Helping people develop meaningful relationships with each other in our congregations takes more effort than slapping on a name tag. it takes time and it takes inten- tionality. in the book, Coming of Age: Exploring the Identity and Spirituality of Younger Men, authors David Anderson, Paul Hill, and Rollie Martinson suggest a three-step strategy for reaching out to younger men:
1 | Identify
2 | Invite
3 | Invest
Questions we asked:
Sharing Stories and Conversations
I would argue that the practice of reaching out to younger men found in Coming of Age should serve as the foundation for all congregational evangelism efforts. one of the first things i do when working with congregations i coach is to infuse every meeting, event, and worship experience with faith stories and caring conversations. i encourage clergy and program staff to meet with leaders one-on-one to learn about their life and faith. i use Tool 4, “Sharing my Life and faith Story,” in the cHaNGe agent’s Toolkit at the end of this workbook to guide their conversations. i encourage pastors to include in their sermons at least one “take home” question that worship participants can discuss on their way home. Similarly, we explore ways to integrate caring conversation ques- tions into the monthly newsletter and where to post caring conversation resources on the congregation’s website. many congregations i work with pilot a month-long activity called, “Take the caring conversation challenge.” using Tool 5 from the cHaNGe agent’s Toolkit, members are encouraged to ask other members, colleagues, and friends and loved ones a total of thirty-one questions throughout a given month to nurture new friendships and deepen existing ones.
more recently, in a coaching capacity, Vibrant faith ministries has been working with congregational leaders to capture people’s life and faith stories on videotape. Portions of these videos are used during new member orientations, worship services, confirmation gatherings, and congregational meetings (see Tool 6). an assignment frequently given to the leadership teams of the congregations we coach is to complete Tool 7, “integrating the four Keys Planning form,” where congregational leaders brainstorm ways to weave caring conversations and other faith practices in every facet of their home and congregational life. Participants in this exercise quickly become aware of the multitude of opportunities available for generating caring conversations with one another. One of my favorite activities at a congregation i used to serve was to go golfing with members. i’d make a point of asking each participant one question per hole and am always amazed at how much i learn about each golfer by the time we were finished. This practice of asking questions caught on with other foursomes, and when we had golf tournaments, i was assigned the job of handing out the “eighteen Questions,” which would be discussed throughout the tournament. Listed below are the “front Nine”
1 | Describe your family. What are your favorite family memories?
2 | If your family had to move to another state where would you like to move?
3 | What do you like to do in your free time?
4 | What’s been the best day of your life?
5 | If you could add one room to your home, what would it be?
6 | What skill would you like to master (besides golf)?
7 | What three things would you like to accomplish in the next ten years?
8 | Who are the people that have influenced your life and faith? What did they do?
9 | If you could live your life over, what would you do differently?
The idea for having caring conversations in our home began when my wife and i took a trip to miami Beach. at the airport, i purchased a book called If . . . Volume 1 (Questions for the Game of Life) by evelyn mcfarlane and James Saywell. While walking the beach every morning we’d ask each other dozens of questions from this book. Both of us were surprised at how much we learned about each other during the week by simply including caring conversations in our morning walk.
The majority of caring conversations that currently take place among my household occur during dinner time, bedtime, and car time. during meals we make a point of asking each other questions from FaithTalk and Comfy Chair (see www.surfacetosoul.org/ fourkeytools for more information about these and other recommended resources), with our two boys serving as the question askers. Before bedtime, we share our own version of “faith talk,” which includes the following topics:
The car is one of my favorite locations for having caring conversations. i ask friends and family members FaithTalk questions found in the FaithTalk app on my iPhone. i keep other questions in my glove box and pull them out frequently. i find that i learn more about my oldest son on the way to and from his sports practices than i do during most other times we’re together. Engaging others in caring conversations has become a lost art for many people. Some are not sure where to begin and some state that, given their hectic schedules, “it’s just not a priority.” Please note that time is really not the issue—all it takes is a commitment to weave caring conversations into what we’re already doing such as eating dinner, going for a walk, or running errands, caring conversations open the door to developing significant relationships where people are given permission to share their life and faith stories. caring conversations build trust among people that’s essential for moving forward in ministry. do not skimp on this important step of connecting. doing so will hinder the impact of your future cHaNGe efforts!
Homes and congregations should be safe places where trust abounds and people can be vulnerable. one of the most significant pathways for building trust involves taking time to listen and learn about another person’s life story. When we connect with one another through our stories we have the opportunity to learn about how they see the world and what motivates them. When we hear about the challenges they’ve encoun- tered, what values and beliefs they hold dear, and what has shaped their worldview, it helps us understand who they are and why they do what they do. as one congrega- tional leader shared with me, “it’s much easier to trust someone once we get to know them.” if our congregations are to thrive, then we need to reclaim the importance of weaving caring conversations into the fabric of our lives and ministries.
Extending Hospitality ( “It’s much easier to trust someone once we get to know them.”)
Most congregations feel that they are welcoming places that excel in helping their people build significant relationships with each other. my experience suggests that is true—up to a point. in every congregation you will find people who experience deep, abiding relationships with each another. These individuals often refer to their congregation as their “second family.” So often, however, that is simply not the case for many people—and for the visitors who walk through the doors. i ask congregations i work with, “What makes your congregation a welcoming place for visitors?” responses range from “We wear name tags” to “We serve coffee after worship” to “We have ushers and greeters by our
doorways.” i usually tell them that i feel welcome when someone who is not on staff and not assigned to be friendly takes the time to introduce themselves to me and learn a few things about my life and background.
I remember attending worship at the same congregation two weeks in a row and meeting one of greeters the first week who was very friendly to me in his role as a greeter. The next week i saw him in the narthex, made eye contact with him, but noticed that he seemed to have little interest in extending hospitality to me this week. i approached him, reminding him that we had met last week and that I missed his smile and handshake. He replied, “i remember you from last week but i’m not serving as a greeter this week.” i was taken aback by his comment until i realized that this is the subtle message i find at most congrega- tions — that as members we’re off the hook as greeters unless we’ve been assigned to do so!
There are times when i’ve entered congregations and have had several people race up to me, extend hospitality, and then proceed to tell me about the benefits of membership
at their congregation. i couldn’t help but think how similar their approach was to when i considered joining a local fitness center and was pressured to take advantage of their limited time membership offer. i honestly wasn’t sure if i was being greeted for who i am, or for the sake of becoming a future member who would help pay the church mortgage.
“I remember you from last week but I’m not serving as a greeter this week.”
The most genuine experience of hospitality i’ve encountered in a congregational setting took place during a weeklong mission trip to columbia, South carolina where we were housed at a local church. our group arrived late Saturday night and then attended worship the following morning. following the service, a retired gentleman approached me and asked, “does your group have plans for lunch?” i said no, stating that we hadn’t had a chance to buy groceries yet. He said “Good, because my wife and i would like to take your group out to dinner — in fact i just made reservations to treat you at one of our favorite local diners.” Not only did he treat us to a delicious lunch, but he and his wife also spent most of their time at the restaurant moving from table to table, introducing themselves to each participant. Later that same week, they brought our group sacks of boiled peanuts and trays of pulled pork stating, “You can’t go back to minnesota without tasting these local treats.” This couple’s extravagant hospitality and genuine interest in our group became the benchmark for how our group wanted to treat visitors who attended our home congregation. They modeled for me what i hope every visitor would experience when connecting with a congregation —extravagant hospitality based on a genuine desire to make a new friend.
Remembering Names
Most Vibrant faith ministries training events include caring conversation exercises that involve people getting out of their pews and meeting other people. after i had led one of our typical exercises for a congregation in the chicago area, an elderly woman approached me over lunch, and whispered in my ear, “Thanks to your little mixer, i now know the lady’s name who sits across the aisle from me at worship every week. i’ve spent the last ten years in church trying to remember her name!”
We’ve all had those moments in our congregation where we’ve met a person before and are too embarrassed to admit that we’ve forgotten his or her name. This used to bother me too until i realized that my pride was preventing me from having a real relationship with that person. Now i find that when i ask people their name again because i’ve forgotten it, they often mention that they’ve forgotten my name too!
Recently, I asked a college student from the university of minnesota why he no longer attends his home congregation that wasn’t far from campus. He replied, “i don’t think they’re interested in what i’m doing, and i’m not sure that they’d remember my name.” Helping people develop meaningful relationships with each other in our congregations takes more effort than slapping on a name tag. it takes time and it takes inten- tionality. in the book, Coming of Age: Exploring the Identity and Spirituality of Younger Men, authors David Anderson, Paul Hill, and Rollie Martinson suggest a three-step strategy for reaching out to younger men:
1 | Identify
- What young men has God put into my life?
- With whom do i have a natural connection?
2 | Invite
- Invite him into conversations and find out what interests and energizes him.
- Invite him to do something with you—go fishing, attend a ball game or a barbecue.
3 | Invest
- Develop an ongoing relationship with the young men.
- Meet in person on a regular basis and follow up with texting and phone calls.
- Pray for the young men on a regular basis.
Questions we asked:
Sharing Stories and Conversations
I would argue that the practice of reaching out to younger men found in Coming of Age should serve as the foundation for all congregational evangelism efforts. one of the first things i do when working with congregations i coach is to infuse every meeting, event, and worship experience with faith stories and caring conversations. i encourage clergy and program staff to meet with leaders one-on-one to learn about their life and faith. i use Tool 4, “Sharing my Life and faith Story,” in the cHaNGe agent’s Toolkit at the end of this workbook to guide their conversations. i encourage pastors to include in their sermons at least one “take home” question that worship participants can discuss on their way home. Similarly, we explore ways to integrate caring conversation ques- tions into the monthly newsletter and where to post caring conversation resources on the congregation’s website. many congregations i work with pilot a month-long activity called, “Take the caring conversation challenge.” using Tool 5 from the cHaNGe agent’s Toolkit, members are encouraged to ask other members, colleagues, and friends and loved ones a total of thirty-one questions throughout a given month to nurture new friendships and deepen existing ones.
more recently, in a coaching capacity, Vibrant faith ministries has been working with congregational leaders to capture people’s life and faith stories on videotape. Portions of these videos are used during new member orientations, worship services, confirmation gatherings, and congregational meetings (see Tool 6). an assignment frequently given to the leadership teams of the congregations we coach is to complete Tool 7, “integrating the four Keys Planning form,” where congregational leaders brainstorm ways to weave caring conversations and other faith practices in every facet of their home and congregational life. Participants in this exercise quickly become aware of the multitude of opportunities available for generating caring conversations with one another. One of my favorite activities at a congregation i used to serve was to go golfing with members. i’d make a point of asking each participant one question per hole and am always amazed at how much i learn about each golfer by the time we were finished. This practice of asking questions caught on with other foursomes, and when we had golf tournaments, i was assigned the job of handing out the “eighteen Questions,” which would be discussed throughout the tournament. Listed below are the “front Nine”
1 | Describe your family. What are your favorite family memories?
2 | If your family had to move to another state where would you like to move?
3 | What do you like to do in your free time?
4 | What’s been the best day of your life?
5 | If you could add one room to your home, what would it be?
6 | What skill would you like to master (besides golf)?
7 | What three things would you like to accomplish in the next ten years?
8 | Who are the people that have influenced your life and faith? What did they do?
9 | If you could live your life over, what would you do differently?
The idea for having caring conversations in our home began when my wife and i took a trip to miami Beach. at the airport, i purchased a book called If . . . Volume 1 (Questions for the Game of Life) by evelyn mcfarlane and James Saywell. While walking the beach every morning we’d ask each other dozens of questions from this book. Both of us were surprised at how much we learned about each other during the week by simply including caring conversations in our morning walk.
The majority of caring conversations that currently take place among my household occur during dinner time, bedtime, and car time. during meals we make a point of asking each other questions from FaithTalk and Comfy Chair (see www.surfacetosoul.org/ fourkeytools for more information about these and other recommended resources), with our two boys serving as the question askers. Before bedtime, we share our own version of “faith talk,” which includes the following topics:
- F - funny or memorable moments throughout the day
- A - awareness of God’s love, beauty, and presence
- I - interesting people, places, and situations
- T - Things we are thankful for today
- H - High points and low points of the day
The car is one of my favorite locations for having caring conversations. i ask friends and family members FaithTalk questions found in the FaithTalk app on my iPhone. i keep other questions in my glove box and pull them out frequently. i find that i learn more about my oldest son on the way to and from his sports practices than i do during most other times we’re together. Engaging others in caring conversations has become a lost art for many people. Some are not sure where to begin and some state that, given their hectic schedules, “it’s just not a priority.” Please note that time is really not the issue—all it takes is a commitment to weave caring conversations into what we’re already doing such as eating dinner, going for a walk, or running errands, caring conversations open the door to developing significant relationships where people are given permission to share their life and faith stories. caring conversations build trust among people that’s essential for moving forward in ministry. do not skimp on this important step of connecting. doing so will hinder the impact of your future cHaNGe efforts!
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- What congregational events or experiences have had the greatest impact on building community among the people of your congregation?
- What are you currently doing as a congregation to equip households to practice caring conversations at home? in their car?
- Do your meetings and events include time for intentional relationship building?
- What are three ways you as an individual could be more intentional about having caring conversations beyond the congregation?
- What are three ways you could be more intentional about having caring conversations within your congregation?
1 | DEFINING SMALL GROUPS
How large are small groups?
Generally, small groups are 4-12 people in size. If the group becomes larger than 10-12, small group leaders usually create smaller sub-groupings for deeper conversation. Small groups often include time and space for building deeper friendships, praying for each other, learning or serving together, and celebrating turning points and transitions in life.
What kinds of small groups are there?
There are a wide variety of small group approaches, and the form they take is determined by the function they are performing. Examples include:
1 | Accountability Groups: Churches often call these discipleship groups or Wesleyan groups. They focus less on a training component in the form of a teaching time and more on equipping and encouraging accomplished through a mutually agreed upon covenant which may include spiritual practices, worship, service, giving and discerning calls. They are usually longer-term relationships that allow adequate time to build trusting relationships.
2 | Affinity Groups: These are groups that meet based upon some area of common interest. Common affinity group include:
- Adventure Groups (bouldering, hiking, birding).
- Bible Study Groups (book of the Bible, spiritual practices, watch and discuss a Bible-oriented video).
- Dinner Groups ("Dinner for Eight" groups, dinners focused on a particular theme).
- Discussion Groups (book clubs, enneagram assessments, environmental issues, social issues).
- Fitness Groups: (walking, jazzercise, swimming, yoga, aerobics).
- Group Spiritual Discernment (led by a spiritual director).
- Hobby Groups (cooking, gardening, wine tasting, knitting).
- Out and About Groups (ethnic restaurants, plays, movies, museums, concerts).
- Parenting/Grand parenting/God parenting Groups.
- Service Group (soup kitchen, food pantry, Habitat for Humanity, river clean up days).
- Sports Groups (cycling, bowling, golfing, pickle ball, kayaking skiing, hiking, frisbee golf).
- Theology on Tap Groups (Beer and Bible Study).
- Travel Groups (daylong excursions, road trips, bus tours, extended travel).
What's unique about small groups?
All of the groups listed above are by definition 'small groups' since they are typically comprised of a smaller number of participants.
In addition to staying within a certain size range, small-groups often include:
- Discussions about the purpose and outcomes for the group.
- A group covenanting process that ensures safe space, confidentially, and appropriate behaviors.
- The setting of a specific start and end dates along with specific dates and times about when they'll meet.
- A designated convener/facilitator and/or a designated contact person (who also keeps everyones contact info).
- A check-in and prayer time (i.e. activities that deepen relationships and draw people closer to God).
- A discussion about whether or not to be an open or closed group.
- Opportunities to encourage people to hold them accountable to live into their intentions
Why are small groups important?
There is a lot of conversation with churches and especially within discipleship systems advocates about the value of having small groups or even "being a church of small groups." Note the emphasis of the latter. Most denominational structures are advocates for small group ministries and even focus support on the development of resources for small groups.
One of the key factors in keeping people in a local congregation "engaged" (to use the term the Gallup Organization employs) is the development of strong personal relationships with others from the congregation. The implementation of a small group ministry is not the only way to get people connected relationally, but it is one of the easiest and most effective approaches. For many congregations, the small group is THE place where the most significant development as disciples of Jesus takes place. It is not the only place this happens, but it is usually within the context of the small group that people are trained in the areas of discipleship (spiritual practices, worship, hospitality, partnering, service, and generosity). It is also the small group that provides the most common forms of intentionality and accountability.
How do small groups support the ministries of the church?
There is a rule of thumb that comes out of faith-based research: When a church has 50% or more of
the congregation involved in some type of small group, it is almost a guarantee that the church will experience growth in worship and membership. In addition, small groups:
- Help grow a culture of discipleship, where people are equipped to live like Jesus, often happens in the ministry of small groups.
- Maturing disciples attract those who not yet disciples because of the lives that they live. Small groups are a form of invitation to those outside the church to experience the love of Jesus demonstrated by the followers of Jesus.
- Pastoral care needs are best met by the people closest to the person in need. These people are often members of the same small group.
- The visibility of the church serving the needs of the community is greatly enhanced by an effective small group ministry, since small groups ideally serve together to meet needs in the community.
- The level of prayer experienced in the local congregation is greatly enhanced as small group gatherings pray for one another and the needs of the congregation and community.
- Member follow-up is best accomplished when members of a small group miss one of their own in worship and call to check on them.
- Worship participation levels are usually stronger as small groups encourage one another and check up on one another.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- What is the experience of your congregation in offering small group ministry opportunities?
- What is your personal experience as a participant in small groups? How did these experiences impact your life as a disciple? How did these experiences impact the relational connections you made in the congregation?
- Which of the small group formats does your congregation currently offer?
- What caught your attention as you considered the impact of small groups on the life and ministry of a congregation?
2 | SELECTING SMALL GROUP LEADERS
Leadership matters. This is especially true in selecting leaders for small groups. Effective small group leaders usually exhibit the following characteristics:
Use these characteristics as a screen for discerning who are the best candidates for leading your small groups. Create a job description (see sample in the appendix) for your small group leaders and customize it to reflect the uniqueness of each group. Give or send a job description to potential small group leaders. List or verbalize the primary purpose of the group, why it matters (how it leads to people's transformation, and why you felt that they were best candidate for the role you're asking them to play.
- They are relational. What is the relational capacity of the person? Do they engage others warmly? Do they connect easily with new persons? Is there evidence of deep relational connections with friends?
- They are spiritually mature: What evidence is presented that this person is a growing, maturing disciple? Are they regular in worship? Do they have a strong personal devotional life? Are they generous in supporting the ministries of the congregation? Do they engage in serving those beyond the congregation? Are they inviting friends/acquaintances to church or church events?
- They are self-aware: A good small group leader/facilitator has a high level of self-awareness. They know their strengths, baggage, and behavioral preferences.
- They are group-aware. They can read the room. They observe people's body language and tone of voice. They note who's talking and who is not. They note who is engaged and who is not. They adapt their style and approach based on what's in the best interest of the group.
- They advocates for others. Does this person find joy in helping others be successful?
- They are good listeners. They have the patience to allow other people to talk and to listen to what those people are actually saying.
- They are good communicators. They have the ability to keep the group focused by homing in on the essential points of the conversation and keep the discussing from veering off into the weeds.
- They ask good questions. They are genuinely interested in others. The ask open-ended questions that provoke new perspectives and possibilities as they draw upon each person's wisdom.
- They are humble. They are focused on the welfare and growth of the group's participants. They are supportive of the greater vision of the congregation of which they are a part.
- They are organized. They can keep the group on task because they can keep themselves on task. They are disciplined in communicating to group members and running the meeting in an appropriate fashion.
- They are grace-filled yet direct. They are willing and able to confront inappropriate behavior and deal with the dynamics and tensions within their groups.
- They exude playfulness and positivity. Their positive demeanor engages and energizes the group.
Use these characteristics as a screen for discerning who are the best candidates for leading your small groups. Create a job description (see sample in the appendix) for your small group leaders and customize it to reflect the uniqueness of each group. Give or send a job description to potential small group leaders. List or verbalize the primary purpose of the group, why it matters (how it leads to people's transformation, and why you felt that they were best candidate for the role you're asking them to play.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- What would be disqualifies for someone serving as a small group leader?
- What expectations do you have for when, how, and how often small groups leaders connect with members beyond the meeting time?
- Have you considered having 2 small group leaders for each group? If you have, how would they differentiate their roles?
3 | EQUIPPING SMALL GROUP LEADERS
FACILITATION SKILLS FOR SMALL GROUP LEADERS
Small group leaders play the role of a facilitator more than a teacher. Effective facilitation literally makes it easier to build trusting relationships within a group, draw our people's wisdom, tap into one's hopes, dreams or challenges, and navigate difficult conversations. In essence, they do whatever it takes to make conversations and the personal connections easier.
1 | Establish personal connections among members.
One of the most critical factors influencing whether people will be engaged in the conversation is whether they trust the other people in the group. Even discussion around a familiar biblical topic may be intimidating if you are not sure people will respond well to your observations. To help build trust, keep meeting over a long period of time, so that trust develops as people grow in relationship with each other. Have the group engage, at least for a few weeks, in relationship building activities. Here are just a few examples of what small group leaders do:
2 | Form a cohesive, trusting group
It's not uncommon for newly-formed groups to create a behavioral covenant with one another. This covenant describes ways that the group will interact with one another:
Groups may decide that only positive responses to others are acceptable behaviors - no judgment or put downs, etc. Group usually agree that what is shared in the group setting is confidential and not to be shared beyond the group setting.
Stages of group formation
3 | Design settings that promote caring, consequential conversations.
What kind of setting is most likely to create an atmosphere conducive for the type of group you are facilitating?
Is the group primarily a classroom experience? Is the purpose to have people listen to you and engage you, or is it more of a discussion focus where you want people to be engaging with one another? If it is the latter, you probably don't want to have the room arranged with chairs in rows where people will have their backs to one another.
Is the space one that conjures up images of sitting in class, even if the chairs are arranged in a circle? That might be counter-productive if you are trying to create an atmosphere of intimacy and trust. Might a space designated for more casual fellowship and interaction be a better location than the traditional classroom? Or might the group find that the more informal feel of a participant's home to be advantageous as a meeting place? Will the group be meeting for an extended period of time (e.g. longer than 45 minutes to an hour)? If so, find something more comfortable than traditional folding metal chairs. Is there an adjustable thermostat where the room can be kept at a comfortable temperature?
Have you designed the meeting time to allow for participants to build relationships? Do your meetings that have a balance between structured time when the work or desired outcomes get addressed and looser time in which people become acquainted? Will food or beverages be provided? Will there be breaks for eating or stretching? Consider adding group builders. Consider enlisting volunteers to host refreshments. It gives the facilitator a break and allows participants the opportunity to serve one another. Is there a general "catch up on life" time where people have an opportunity to share and engage others? How will you provide a time for the sharing of prayer concerns and the opportunity to pray for one another as needed?
4 | Create a small group facilitators toolkit that's easy to transport (if your group moves around).
What tools might you need as a facilitator? Which high tech and low tech tools will enable your facilitators. Common equipment, tools, and supplies include:
- Tech gear: laptop, projector, screen, monitor, speakers and access on internet
- Office supplies: pens, markets, post-it notes, newsprint pads, index cards, etc.
- Team building tools: Visual Faith cards, legos, tiny props, deck of cards, talking stick, TalkSheets, etc.
5 | Plan in advance how to deal with challenging members.
Since small groups in real churches are composed of real people, it is inevitable that you will face challenges in managing the group dynamics. For those of us who facilitate small groups, it is a question of when - not if- you will deal with the problem of someone who complicates the group interactions and creates situations that make other group members feel uncomfortable. Listed below are unhelpful behaviors that of show up in small group settings
6 | Design and be willing to adapt your meeting format.
While every small group has its own personality, and you can make adjustments which account for the context of the group you are facilitating, there are some basic principles which will greatly enhance the effectiveness of any group if they are practiced consistently.
A typical small group meeting experience usually includes:
7 | Continuously find ways to enhance the group experience.
If a group is to grow to its fullest relational potential, it is important that group members have opportunities to bond in common cause and fellowship beyond the boundaries of their regular meetings together. There is something about moving beyond the strictures of your regularly scheduled get-together that frees people to get to know and appreciate one another in new ways. In an informal social setting, some people who are shy during small group discussions really shine; or if you are on a service outing, someone who is handy or a natural extrovert can really open up and be themselves.
Small group leaders play the role of a facilitator more than a teacher. Effective facilitation literally makes it easier to build trusting relationships within a group, draw our people's wisdom, tap into one's hopes, dreams or challenges, and navigate difficult conversations. In essence, they do whatever it takes to make conversations and the personal connections easier.
1 | Establish personal connections among members.
One of the most critical factors influencing whether people will be engaged in the conversation is whether they trust the other people in the group. Even discussion around a familiar biblical topic may be intimidating if you are not sure people will respond well to your observations. To help build trust, keep meeting over a long period of time, so that trust develops as people grow in relationship with each other. Have the group engage, at least for a few weeks, in relationship building activities. Here are just a few examples of what small group leaders do:
- Have a display of common items (pen, comb, newspaper, light bulb, etc.), and ask each participant to select one of the items. Then have each participant share their own personal story using the item selected as a prop.
- Invite participants to share with a couple of others in the group "two truths and a lie" about themselves (two truths that people wouldn't know). Invite the groups to try and detect the lie statement.
- Pilot using "30 Second Mysteries" cards to spur people's imagination and deepen engagement.
- Show your scars! Have each participant tell a story about a scar they have and how they got it.
- Give the group a couple of questions and invite them to find a partner and share responses to a few questions.
- Establish a "Parking Lot" where ideas are parked until more appropriate for discussion.
- Engage people in physical activity when possible. Pair up people for a "walk and talk" activity.
- Give people newsprint sheets and have them draw a picture or identify bullet points for a given activity.
- Let people share with someone in the group the results of some form of personal assessment (e.g. 16 Personalities, Enneagram, etc.).
2 | Form a cohesive, trusting group
It's not uncommon for newly-formed groups to create a behavioral covenant with one another. This covenant describes ways that the group will interact with one another:
Groups may decide that only positive responses to others are acceptable behaviors - no judgment or put downs, etc. Group usually agree that what is shared in the group setting is confidential and not to be shared beyond the group setting.
Stages of group formation
- Stage 1 - Forming. People are polite and are unsure what to expect. They wonder what they will get out of the experience and if it will be worth their time. During this stage, facilitators provide structure and direction. They set a positive, safe tone. They discuss the importance confidentiality and create relationship-building opportunities.
- Stage 2 - Storming. This stage is usually the messiest. Individuals are seeking to finding their role and identity in the group. They may still be deciding if they remain in the group or leave. Without clear norms and structure, participants may engage in side conversations or talk over each other. They may exhibit anger, frustration and passive, aggressive behaviors. In this environment, some people may withdraw if they become uncomfortable. Facilitators keep the conversation flowing, use active listening skills, and may need to address "problem" individuals outside of group setting.
- Stage 3 - Norming. This stage is when the group seems to gel and when you'll see the greatest amount of group cohesion. People are comfortable sharing more often and at deeper levels. Facilitators provide activities to build group, and ask questions related to "What? So What? and Now What?":
- Stage 4 - Performing. This stage exhibits the greatest amount of interdependence among members. People are more open to being accountable and holding others accountable. Facilitators provide activities to interact, reflect, and debrief shared experiences and help members apply learnings to their daily life
3 | Design settings that promote caring, consequential conversations.
What kind of setting is most likely to create an atmosphere conducive for the type of group you are facilitating?
Is the group primarily a classroom experience? Is the purpose to have people listen to you and engage you, or is it more of a discussion focus where you want people to be engaging with one another? If it is the latter, you probably don't want to have the room arranged with chairs in rows where people will have their backs to one another.
Is the space one that conjures up images of sitting in class, even if the chairs are arranged in a circle? That might be counter-productive if you are trying to create an atmosphere of intimacy and trust. Might a space designated for more casual fellowship and interaction be a better location than the traditional classroom? Or might the group find that the more informal feel of a participant's home to be advantageous as a meeting place? Will the group be meeting for an extended period of time (e.g. longer than 45 minutes to an hour)? If so, find something more comfortable than traditional folding metal chairs. Is there an adjustable thermostat where the room can be kept at a comfortable temperature?
Have you designed the meeting time to allow for participants to build relationships? Do your meetings that have a balance between structured time when the work or desired outcomes get addressed and looser time in which people become acquainted? Will food or beverages be provided? Will there be breaks for eating or stretching? Consider adding group builders. Consider enlisting volunteers to host refreshments. It gives the facilitator a break and allows participants the opportunity to serve one another. Is there a general "catch up on life" time where people have an opportunity to share and engage others? How will you provide a time for the sharing of prayer concerns and the opportunity to pray for one another as needed?
4 | Create a small group facilitators toolkit that's easy to transport (if your group moves around).
What tools might you need as a facilitator? Which high tech and low tech tools will enable your facilitators. Common equipment, tools, and supplies include:
- Tech gear: laptop, projector, screen, monitor, speakers and access on internet
- Office supplies: pens, markets, post-it notes, newsprint pads, index cards, etc.
- Team building tools: Visual Faith cards, legos, tiny props, deck of cards, talking stick, TalkSheets, etc.
5 | Plan in advance how to deal with challenging members.
Since small groups in real churches are composed of real people, it is inevitable that you will face challenges in managing the group dynamics. For those of us who facilitate small groups, it is a question of when - not if- you will deal with the problem of someone who complicates the group interactions and creates situations that make other group members feel uncomfortable. Listed below are unhelpful behaviors that of show up in small group settings
- Monopolizers. Over talks. Wants to be in create 'time limit.' has all the answers. Facilitators need to interrupt and point out what is going on.
- Personalities that create team conflict. This includes subversives, manipulators, passive aggressives, explosives. hyper-avoiders.
- Derailers. Attempts to derail team efforts behind the scene or underground. They may use negative emotions such as fear and anger to get their own way. They seem agreeable but are not- will answer 'yes' when meaning 'no' - then not follow through. They will not confront any issue - smiles that everything is okay.
- "Me" focused rather than "we" focused. Steers conversations toward their personal agenda; not interested in team as a whole. Wants to control outcomes using manipulative tactics. May control members using anger, fear or playing the role of a victim.
- Non-contributors. They don't want to get Involved, take a risk, act with courage to get things done. Does not want to be part of the team or be in sync with the team objectives. Call it as soon as discovered; confront the individual. Point out what is happening-call it tor what it is: manipulative behavior. Confront the lack of follow-through and the inconsistencies between word and deed.
6 | Design and be willing to adapt your meeting format.
While every small group has its own personality, and you can make adjustments which account for the context of the group you are facilitating, there are some basic principles which will greatly enhance the effectiveness of any group if they are practiced consistently.
- Make sure the group members have the needed resources for the meeting: Books/workbooks Additional resources (articles, video clips, etc.).
- Encourage group members to be prepared for the conversation: Outside assignments, Reading/reflection on materials, Devotional readings.
- Provide regular communication to group members: Meeting reminders with emphasis on preparations, Summary of prayer requests from the group, Any logistical considerations (planning activities).
- Have a plan for following up when a group member is missing in action
- Have a defined time frame for how long the group will meet. The optimum for effective small group discussion is 60-90 minutes. Respect the obligations of the group members by starting and ending gatherings on schedule.
A typical small group meeting experience usually includes:
- Gathering time. A few minutes of informal conversation between group members, usually with some light refreshments provided.
- Connect time. A few minutes at the beginning of the meeting devoted to "catching up" on life, following up on commitments made in previous sessions, and building of relationships.
- Discussion/Reflection. This constitutes the majority of the meeting time and may involve watching a video, having a discussion around prepared questions, conversations beyond prepared questions, etc.
- Next Steps. Invite participants to consider what they will do with what they are discovering in the teaching/discussion. What actions will they take and be accountable for?
- Prayer. Take time for pray for one another's prayer concerns. Make a list of prayers and email to participates so they can pray for each other between small group meetings.
7 | Continuously find ways to enhance the group experience.
If a group is to grow to its fullest relational potential, it is important that group members have opportunities to bond in common cause and fellowship beyond the boundaries of their regular meetings together. There is something about moving beyond the strictures of your regularly scheduled get-together that frees people to get to know and appreciate one another in new ways. In an informal social setting, some people who are shy during small group discussions really shine; or if you are on a service outing, someone who is handy or a natural extrovert can really open up and be themselves.
- Sharing meals together: Groups often find that sharing a meal together (regularly or periodically) is a great way to build relationships and trust within the group. Camaraderie and trust are, of course, the foundational elements in creating space for deep, transparent, and vulnerable conversations that transform lives. The group may go to a local restaurant or may choose to do a 'pot luck.'
- Serving Together: Every group is encouraged to find a way to serve together periodically (every month to six weeks is recommended). This provides a safe place for participants to explore how they are gifted to serve, as well as providing another great opportunity to build relationships within the group. It also expands dramatically the witness of the church in the local community.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- What do you see as the essential elements of a small group meeting? What would you add or modify from the suggested meeting flow found in this chapter?
- What would be some questions you'd ask a small group leader to help them reflect on and improved their facilitation skills?
4 | USING A COACHING APPROACH FOR FACILITATING SMALL GROUPS
Most of the time when we talk about equipping small group leaders, what we mean is that we are going to focus on preparing them to teach the materials. Research shows that the retention/application rate for an instructional model of leading a group is somewhere between 20-40%. Contrast that with a facilitation/coaching approach where, in partnership with the participants, we help individuals discover connections with what they already know, benefit from new knowledge and perspectives they acquire as part of our work together, and challenge them to match their lifestyle to what they've learned. Using this model, the retention/application range is 60-80%.
This kind of partnership reflects a coaching approach to transformation. While this small group training guide is obviously not an in-depth resource to equip you for a professional coaching certification, there are some basic coaching skills that can be adapted to your small group leadership. If you can adjust your basic approach to a coaching mindset, the results can be dramatic. Consider the following definition, using the word COACH as an acronym:
A good coach will fulfill all the conditions spelled out in that acronym, but this ability to COACH doesn't happen by accident. While some people are naturally gifted with the qualities that enable this skill set, everyone can learn more about the tools and habits that underlie fundamental coaching techniques. And everyone who is going to facilitate a small group should do so. Here is a breakdown of the basic coaching skill set and a further dissection of each of those skills as they might be applied within the small group leader context.
SKILL 1 | LISTENING
Active listening is the ability to focus completely on what is being said, as well as the sensitivity to understand what is not being said. It is the ability to understand the meaning of what is being said as a reflection of the speaker's needs and desires, while reinforcing the speaker's confidence and self-expression. The characteristics and attitude that define an active listener are beneficial both in the context of one-to-one mentoring, as well as in a group discussion (or for that, matter in any conversation in any relationship or context).
What is active listening?
Being curious. Being fully present. Creating a safe space. Conveying value. Exploring possibilities. "Getting" someone. Active Listening is the function of specific intentional practices on the part of the listener (in this case the small group leader who is facilitating/guiding the conversation):
Reflecting: Making observations which build on the speaker's comments by highlighting specific points and expanding on them.
Paraphrasing: Repeating back what the speaker has said in slightly different words to clarify meaning.
Truth telling: Pointing out obvious gaps in the speaker's reasoning, as well as statements that are clearly incorrect or in some way non-productive.
A small group facilitator can also have a dramatic impact on the group discussion by displaying clear non-listening behaviors (the polar opposite of active listening):
Pretending to listen: This is more obvious than you might expect. You might think you're getting away with faking interest, but people can tell when you are not engaged.
Sending messages (whether wrong or right). You can listen a little too attentively by communicating with expressions or gestures that disagree vehemently with what the speaker is saying. Try to retain a neutral listening posture. If something needs to be challenged (via truth telling), do it with your words, not your body language.
Hijacking the speaker's message. This is a gone-rogue version of reflecting in which we intentionally flip the speaker's words to make a point they didn't intend, tweak them to make a point that's near and dear to our own perspective, or use them as a jumping off point to launch another topic or stir up the other group members. We should respect a speaker's words and sentiment for what they are, not what we wish them to be.
Looking at your phone. That's an obvious one, but we all are subject to the fantasy that we are the sole person on the planet who can successfully multi-task in a way that's not obnoxious or obtrusive.
SKILL 2 | ENCOURAGING
Encouragement is one of the most powerful coaching skills in the toolkit. Most people do not get enough encouragement in any aspect of their lives.
People blossom and thrive when they are encouraged. Nancy Kline, in her book, Time to Think, asserts that encouragement (also termed appreciation or acknowledgment) is important not because it feels good or is nice, but because it helps people to think for themselves on the cutting edge of an issue. It is suggested that coaches/facilitators aim for a 5:1 ratio of encouragement to criticism.
Encouragement is offered in these ways:
Speaking hope.
Approving the excellent.
Empowering.
Seeing potential.
Using "and" more than "but."
Genuine encouragement should reflect these qualities:
It should be authentic.
It should be unequivocal—no "maybes."
It should be enthusiastic.
It should be specific.
It should be substantive—reflecting not just "what" but "who" the recipient is.
SKILL 3 | ASKING POWERFUL QUESTIONS
Powerful questioning is the ability to pose insightful queries that reveal the information needed for maximum benefit to move a conversation forward or help an individual probe an issue. Dorothy Leeds, in The 7 Powers of Questions: Secrets to Successful Communication in Life and at Work, suggests that such queries will always do one or more of these things:7
Avoid questions that cause people to get caught up in the weeds, focusing on small details at the expense of the greater discussion. Avoid rehashing the past or blaming others. Avoid conversations that lead to an "us vs. them" mindset. Engage people in purposeful questions that help people stay connected to what's most important. Engage people in conversations that look towards the future and imagine the possibilities that change and new ideas can bring. Keep your focus on the people in the room. Seek to draw out their experiences and challenges.
QUESTION STRATEGIES that move the conversation forward:
SKILL 4 | RESPONDING
Direct communication (responding) is the ability to communicate effectively during coaching sessions and to use language that has the greatest positive impact on the conversation and its participants. Responding includes:
SKILL 5 | NEGOTIATING
Negotiation describes the process by which the coach helps the coachee move from thinking about an issue to taking active steps to do something about that issue. Sometimes, this will occur in the context of the accountability portion of your small group sessions. Sometimes it will happen one-to-one. Occasionally, you will find this skill helpful for leading the small group itself toward corporate decisions. Here are some negotiation techniques:
Practical tools for negotiating:
THE "GROW" COACHING MODEL
The GROW model provides a useful structure for coaches to help their coachees move forward in tangible ways (in whatever area of their life - work, relationships, personal growth - in which they wish to move forward. In the small group context (and if you find yourself at some point in a Mentor or Spiritual Guide context), the GROW model can be very effective with guiding accountability discussions. The elements of the GROW model can help focus the group discussion for defining accountability among group members, and it can be an incisive tool for helping individual group members who are interested in growth identify goals and ways to meet those goals. The GROW model was developed by John Whitmore in Coaching for Performance: The Principles and Practice of Coaching and Leadership and identifies four areas of focus for moving forward in a positive direction. Here is a textual breakdown of these principles, as used in a standard coaching conversation (the kind you might have with someone for whom you are acting as a spiritual mentor):
GOAL: Where are we headed?
REALITY: Where are we starting from?
OPTIONS: How can we get there?
WHAT WILL YOU DO? What will it take to get there?
This kind of partnership reflects a coaching approach to transformation. While this small group training guide is obviously not an in-depth resource to equip you for a professional coaching certification, there are some basic coaching skills that can be adapted to your small group leadership. If you can adjust your basic approach to a coaching mindset, the results can be dramatic. Consider the following definition, using the word COACH as an acronym:
- C - Comes alongside.
- O - Observes carefully.
- A - Asks questions wisely.
- C - Communicates options and resources.
- H - Holds accountable (and cares for the heart).
A good coach will fulfill all the conditions spelled out in that acronym, but this ability to COACH doesn't happen by accident. While some people are naturally gifted with the qualities that enable this skill set, everyone can learn more about the tools and habits that underlie fundamental coaching techniques. And everyone who is going to facilitate a small group should do so. Here is a breakdown of the basic coaching skill set and a further dissection of each of those skills as they might be applied within the small group leader context.
SKILL 1 | LISTENING
Active listening is the ability to focus completely on what is being said, as well as the sensitivity to understand what is not being said. It is the ability to understand the meaning of what is being said as a reflection of the speaker's needs and desires, while reinforcing the speaker's confidence and self-expression. The characteristics and attitude that define an active listener are beneficial both in the context of one-to-one mentoring, as well as in a group discussion (or for that, matter in any conversation in any relationship or context).
What is active listening?
Being curious. Being fully present. Creating a safe space. Conveying value. Exploring possibilities. "Getting" someone. Active Listening is the function of specific intentional practices on the part of the listener (in this case the small group leader who is facilitating/guiding the conversation):
Reflecting: Making observations which build on the speaker's comments by highlighting specific points and expanding on them.
Paraphrasing: Repeating back what the speaker has said in slightly different words to clarify meaning.
Truth telling: Pointing out obvious gaps in the speaker's reasoning, as well as statements that are clearly incorrect or in some way non-productive.
A small group facilitator can also have a dramatic impact on the group discussion by displaying clear non-listening behaviors (the polar opposite of active listening):
Pretending to listen: This is more obvious than you might expect. You might think you're getting away with faking interest, but people can tell when you are not engaged.
Sending messages (whether wrong or right). You can listen a little too attentively by communicating with expressions or gestures that disagree vehemently with what the speaker is saying. Try to retain a neutral listening posture. If something needs to be challenged (via truth telling), do it with your words, not your body language.
Hijacking the speaker's message. This is a gone-rogue version of reflecting in which we intentionally flip the speaker's words to make a point they didn't intend, tweak them to make a point that's near and dear to our own perspective, or use them as a jumping off point to launch another topic or stir up the other group members. We should respect a speaker's words and sentiment for what they are, not what we wish them to be.
Looking at your phone. That's an obvious one, but we all are subject to the fantasy that we are the sole person on the planet who can successfully multi-task in a way that's not obnoxious or obtrusive.
SKILL 2 | ENCOURAGING
Encouragement is one of the most powerful coaching skills in the toolkit. Most people do not get enough encouragement in any aspect of their lives.
People blossom and thrive when they are encouraged. Nancy Kline, in her book, Time to Think, asserts that encouragement (also termed appreciation or acknowledgment) is important not because it feels good or is nice, but because it helps people to think for themselves on the cutting edge of an issue. It is suggested that coaches/facilitators aim for a 5:1 ratio of encouragement to criticism.
Encouragement is offered in these ways:
Speaking hope.
Approving the excellent.
Empowering.
Seeing potential.
Using "and" more than "but."
Genuine encouragement should reflect these qualities:
It should be authentic.
It should be unequivocal—no "maybes."
It should be enthusiastic.
It should be specific.
It should be substantive—reflecting not just "what" but "who" the recipient is.
SKILL 3 | ASKING POWERFUL QUESTIONS
Powerful questioning is the ability to pose insightful queries that reveal the information needed for maximum benefit to move a conversation forward or help an individual probe an issue. Dorothy Leeds, in The 7 Powers of Questions: Secrets to Successful Communication in Life and at Work, suggests that such queries will always do one or more of these things:7
- Powerful questions demand answers.
- Powerful questions stimulate thinking.
- Powerful questions give powerful information.
- Powerful questions lead to powerful listening.
- Powerful questions get people to open up.
- Powerful questions get people to persuade themselves.
Avoid questions that cause people to get caught up in the weeds, focusing on small details at the expense of the greater discussion. Avoid rehashing the past or blaming others. Avoid conversations that lead to an "us vs. them" mindset. Engage people in purposeful questions that help people stay connected to what's most important. Engage people in conversations that look towards the future and imagine the possibilities that change and new ideas can bring. Keep your focus on the people in the room. Seek to draw out their experiences and challenges.
QUESTION STRATEGIES that move the conversation forward:
- Ask open-ended questions: Avoid "yes or no" questions. Use as a guideline the old journalistic formulation of "who, what, when, where and how," if it's helpful, but try to ask questions that require detailed, thoughtful responses.
- Avoid solution-oriented questions. These are questions that are formulated in such a way that you are really just forcing the speaker to provide answers you were already looking for. Your questions should instead be genuinely curious and allow for honest expression.
- Try zooming in /zooming out. Harvard's Rosabeth Moss Kanter's metaphor about the need to take a wider perspective, while sometimes zooming in on the details. It's an important skill to know when each view - wide angle or microscopic - is valuable (particularly at knowing which details are the critical factors in a discussion or a decision).
SKILL 4 | RESPONDING
Direct communication (responding) is the ability to communicate effectively during coaching sessions and to use language that has the greatest positive impact on the conversation and its participants. Responding includes:
- Truth-telling. Sharing what you are seeing from the facilitator's perspective.
- Feedback. Giving honest assessments and opinions (this is non-directive, e.g. consulting).
- Insights. Sharing intuitive thoughts.
- Interrupting. Masterful interrupting is truly an art and holds great benefit to the coachee, bringing them back on track or helping them get to the point.
- Advising, While the focus of a coaching conversation is to tap into the expertise of the coachee, there are also times when the coach has expertise and experience that can have a positive impact on the progress of the coachee. The key is that the advice must be appropriate and asked for.
- Directing. This is a technique for steering the conversation back toward the stated goals for the session or relationship.
- Messaging. This is the speaking of a 'truth' that will help the coachee to act more quickly.
SKILL 5 | NEGOTIATING
Negotiation describes the process by which the coach helps the coachee move from thinking about an issue to taking active steps to do something about that issue. Sometimes, this will occur in the context of the accountability portion of your small group sessions. Sometimes it will happen one-to-one. Occasionally, you will find this skill helpful for leading the small group itself toward corporate decisions. Here are some negotiation techniques:
- Determine action steps. What's next? What specific thing are you/we trying to accomplish? What resources do you/we need? What will you/we have to have in place in order to make this happen?
- Remove obstacles. What could stop you/we from doing this? What are the obstacles that could stop you/us from moving ahead? What could go wrong? If you/we move ahead, what is the worst case scenario for how things could derail?
- Gain commitment. What could you/we do? What are the possibilities? What will you/we do? Let's pick a specific course of action and commit to it. When will this be done? Let's don't leave it hanging out there amorphously. Let's pick a date and commit to it.
Practical tools for negotiating:
- Small steps. Having identified a goal, what are the small steps that will be necessary to get us going on the journey?
- Backward planning. Let's "begin with the end in mind," and chart out the steps that will be required to get us to the destination.
- Creating structure. Let's come up with a framework for how the steps will be managed and accomplished.
- Anchoring. How do we reinforce our core values as we move forward? How do we stay anchored to the core idea that empowers our goal?
- Daily actions. What daily to-do items will move us forward toward the goal. As we're breaking things down into "small steps," what recurring actions will keep us accountable to making those steps happen.
THE "GROW" COACHING MODEL
The GROW model provides a useful structure for coaches to help their coachees move forward in tangible ways (in whatever area of their life - work, relationships, personal growth - in which they wish to move forward. In the small group context (and if you find yourself at some point in a Mentor or Spiritual Guide context), the GROW model can be very effective with guiding accountability discussions. The elements of the GROW model can help focus the group discussion for defining accountability among group members, and it can be an incisive tool for helping individual group members who are interested in growth identify goals and ways to meet those goals. The GROW model was developed by John Whitmore in Coaching for Performance: The Principles and Practice of Coaching and Leadership and identifies four areas of focus for moving forward in a positive direction. Here is a textual breakdown of these principles, as used in a standard coaching conversation (the kind you might have with someone for whom you are acting as a spiritual mentor):
GOAL: Where are we headed?
- How can I be most helpful to you today? What do you need to get the most out of this conversation? What role do you need a listener or advisor to play?
- What topic should we concentrate on during this session? What is the one topic on which we could focus today that will have the most impact on moving you forward in a meaningful direction?
- What are the issues that you face today? What are the most important items that are holding you back, giving you grief, or sapping your energy?
REALITY: Where are we starting from?
- Tell me about your current situation. Describe it as honestly as you can, yet as objectively as possible.
- What are the difficulties that you face? Name the obstacles and how each is impacting your attitude.
- How are you resourcing yourself around this issue? In what ways have you sought to gain advice or consult expertise to work through this issue?
- What is your biggest area of discomfort about this issue? What is the one thing that is causing you the most stress and anxiety?
OPTIONS: How can we get there?
- Tell me what you think are some options for a solution. List them, without preemptively dismissing possibilities.
- What else? Probe more deeply around all angles of the issue. What are you missing?
- What other options might present themselves as you take on other perspectives?
- If there were no obstacles (like money or people) what else would you consider?
- If all options were possible, what would be the best path forward?
WHAT WILL YOU DO? What will it take to get there?
- What do you need to do this? Having decided to move forward with a defined strategy, what are the specific things you will need to make it happen?
- How will you prioritize your options? How will you decide what needs to be done first and what can wait till further in the process?
- What one thing can you accomplish this week that will move you in the right direction? Commit to taking that action fearlessly. How can I pray for you this week?
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/DISCUSSION
- How will thinking like a coach (rather than just a teacher) change your small group dynamic?
- Which of the coaching skills (listening, encouraging, asking powerful questions, responding, negotiating) do you find most natural and which do you find most difficult?
- What do you find most challenging about being a good listener when you are facilitating a group discussion? What frustrates you the most?
- How can inspire/lead other participants in your group to also emulate these coaching skills?
- What insights did you gain from learning about the GROW model that you can use in facilitating group growth?